Friday, March 27, 2020

The Lighter Side of Weight Loss: Chapter Forty-one

The Lighter Side of Weight Loss                                   
Free the balloon animals!
By Sandra Warholic Seeley

Chapter Forty-one

I ventured out into the wild blue yonder recently (Go Air Force!) while performing complex pandemic risk factor algorithms in my head, surprised and pleased that everything looked normal. No people in hazmat suits or military vehicles or toilet paper thieves lurking behind trees. I decided that news bingeing about ways to stay healthy was dangerous to my health! Instead I was going to see my doctor about my right thumb that was not behaving as a right thumb should. It was moving up and down in painful jerky motions and not getting a proper grip on life or my snacks.

Usually I take a book with me to any appointment. However, I finished my last book from our now closed library. I couldn’t read anything on my phone since I had just finished my first WW virtual workshop on Zoom which caused my battery power to flatline. I didn’t want to touch any magazines in the exam room for fear of nineteen lurking viruses. So after 1 hour of being left to my own devices, I began looking around the room for ways to amuse myself.

First I prayed the Rosary for all the suffering people in the world. That took up 15 minutes. Then I thought about looking in all the drawers, but was afraid of getting caught. Latex gloves hanging on the wall offered the possibility of balloon animals, but I did not want to waste much needed supplies or be referred to a psychiatrist. I could always practice my line dancing steps while humming “Fly Me to the Moon,” but again did not want to be discovered. Did I dare try to Google how to take your own blood pressure for people stuck in an exam room for two hours? The scale was calling to me, but I did not want to step on my nemesis fully clothed. I kept reminding myself that a thumb exam did not require nudity. Then I spotted my salvation: the paper towel holder!

After waving my hand in front of the holder, it dispensed two sheets of writing paper. The perfect gift for keeping a writer from approaching insanity. After writing the first paragraph to this chapter, the nurse came in to take my vitals.

Now we get to the WW part of my story. I knew from seeing my bloodwork results on the online portal that my cholesterol was on the low end of the high range, but the results were still flagged in red. I felt discouraged about my borderline lipids being called to everyone’s attention. Did you see them? The nurse looked back at my previous numbers, and told me my LDL actually came down 30 points from three months ago. This made me realize that I might not be at my goal, but I’m going in the right direction. It’s all about my perception of where I am now as compared to where I used to be, whether it’s cholesterol or weight. We need to celebrate our successes.

Finally, Dr. Johnny-Come-Lately arrived, diagnosed my condition as a trigger finger thumb (possibly due to an injury from pulling on Zeus’ leash at his last vet appointment - bad dog), injected it with a shot of cortisone and sent me home with the admonition to stay out of trouble. I overheard him telling the nurse to never leave me unattended for long periods of time again.

Until next week, be creative during our isolation protocol and be happier.

Sandra Warholic Seeley - All my life, and half of someone else's, I have lived in a humorous place called Earth. My muse is a tiny menehune from the island of Oahu in Hawaii where I lived for a year. Ernest Hemingway once sat under the exact same coconut tree where I did most of my writing. I'm also a sensitive to criticism Virgo who loves to get paid for writing and speaking funny stuff. Even though my mind is filled with volcanic ash residue and I'm still finding sand in my shorts, I will continue to write until my muse retires or I run out of pretty blue drinks, whichever comes first. Don't be bashful, email the author.

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