Friday, March 20, 2020

The Lighter Side of Weight Loss: Chapter Forty

The Lighter Side of Weight Loss
By Sandra Warholic Seeley                                           
Some fear width & Zeus

Chapter Forty

One of my favorite comedians, Steven Wright, once said, “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.” I happen to be in the same phobia club as Steven. There must be some deep-rooted traumatic event in my past that caused this debilitating fear (perhaps a lab accident involving gamma radiation). If you even attempt to come near me with a tape measure, my immediate psychological response is to switch over to Personality #2 (The Hulk). For your own good, please do not emotionally provoke me.

My good friends, Merriam and Webster, define “width” as the horizontal measurement taken at right angles to the length. I define my “width” as custom bodywork that’s wider than stock. If I were a Lamborghini, my bodywork would be luxurious and priced between $200,000 to $500,000. Sad to say, I’m more like an oversize truck in need of an escort vehicle. I can aspire to be an Italian sports car, but trucks can be fun, too.

Which brings me to ponder a recent WW Weekly topic on perfection. Coach Kathy told me that trying to be perfect is unrealistic. So unlike Mary Poppins, I’m going to accept the fact that I’m practically imperfect in every way. I’m going to focus on the beauty of imperfections in nature. We all know that the most precious real pearls are those that are formed in nature. The oyster has to deal with an irritant, then coats it with 23 daily Smart Points until it’s no longer an annoyance. Voila! After 5 to 20 years, a saltwater pearl is formed (about the length of time until I reach my goal weight). I’m usually smarter than an oyster, so while I am self-isolating, closing my borders and dealing with irritants (Edward the Great), I’m going to laugh more, read and write more, but eat less.

I just finished reading “Blue Moon” by Lee Child. In this novel, Jack Reacher conducts a WW workshop by incorporating what he learned in the army with Wellness that Works: “It’s something they teach you in the army. The only thing under your direct control is how hard you work. In other words, if you really, really buckle down today, and you get the intelligence, the planning, and the execution each a hundred percent exactly correct, then you are bound to prevail. What the army really means is, if you fail today, it’s completely your own fault.”

Like Steven Wright, “I’m writing a book. I have the page numbers done; now I just have to fill in the rest.” Also, “I’ve written several children’s books...Not on purpose.”

As for laughing more, I’m going to watch videos of long ago favorites: Johnny Carson, Carol Burnett, George Gobel, Victor Borge falling off his piano bench, Topo Gigio ( a 10 inch, half pound foam rubber mouse puppet featured on Ed Sullivan), the Smothers Brothers and more Steven Wright quotes such as, “ I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.” Until next week, stay healthy and be happier.

Sandra Warholic Seeley - All my life, and half of someone else's, I have lived in a humorous place called Earth. My muse is a tiny menehune from the island of Oahu in Hawaii where I lived for a year. Ernest Hemingway once sat under the exact same coconut tree where I did most of my writing. I'm also a sensitive to criticism Virgo who loves to get paid for writing and speaking funny stuff. Even though my mind is filled with volcanic ash residue and I'm still finding sand in my shorts, I will continue to write until my muse retires or I run out of pretty blue drinks, whichever comes first. Don't be bashful, email the author.

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