Roman Meal XIII

By Kanela

Roman Meal's Honey & Oat Bran bread is advertised as "All Natural". What is wrong with these people? I don't consider flexible tubing the size of Texas, that's baked into my bread, to be "natural". It may be an excellent source of fiber but it is not "natural whole grain goodness".

Along with 300 mg of sodium, various carbohydrates, sugar, protein, iron, and calcium, I believe rubber tubing should have been first in the list of ingredients in descending order of predominance. And Roman Meal and Schwebel's Bread was neglectful in choosing not to list it at all.

A very special 88 year old fan from Readerland, (my Mother), was the early morning victim of this gruesome discovery in her bread. I don't see how this 1 and ½ inch long, 1 inch diameter, filthy piece of de-panner equipment (see pictures) helps us get our recommended servings of whole grains. And I, for one, am not going to eat 6-11 servings of this piece of Junk every day.

In Roman Meal's defense, I want to say they were most generous in sending a check for $10.00 and a letter of apology. However, I was really upset that they sent a handful of coupons for more Roman Meal bread when I specifically told them I wanted coupons for a competitor's bread!

Then the parent company, Roman Meal, turned this whole fiasco over to their child, Schwebel Baking Company whose insurance Company offered us ten times more. They wanted us to accept $100.00 and take a vow of silence about their product. What next? A vow of poverty? (no need for that-I'm already at that level). A vow of chastity? (no comment)

If you believe Roman Meal was negligent in letting a piece of operating equipment (last maintained when?) bake into our bread, feel free to write them at:

Roman Meal Consumer Services

2101 S Tacoma Way

Tacoma, WA 98409

If you feel Mother Rose should be compensated generously for her trauma, feel free to comment on her favorite oldest daughter's website or write the Author and Writer.

And if I were you, I would subject my Roman Meal/Schwebel breakfasts to an X-Ray machine before consuming. See Roman Meal Pictures and note that children 40 and younger should view these with a parent.

Mice Are Not Nice

By Kanela

I've lived in my childhood home off and on for the past 50 plus years and have encountered two mice. The first was years ago, as a little girl, with tender feelings for "All Creatures Great and Small." My Dad caught that little fellow in a paper bag and I made him promise to take Mickey outside and let him go. To this day, I don't know whether he kept that promise. After the morning I just had, I hope he didn't!

It all started at 5am in my usual rush to make a nutritious lunch for work. I yanked ("yanked" is a funny word) open the pantry cupboard door, looking for cookies, resulting in what I thought was a Jello box falling from a shelf on the door to my shoulder. However, last time I checked, Jello boxes do not have a head, legs, and tail. I discovered that I'm quite fluent in screaming. I screamed in English (being my native language), Spanish (being my high school language), French (being my want-to-learn language ), Ukrainian (being my ancestral scream), German (being guttural and properly harsh), and finally Australian (but who could understand that scream?) Perhaps that's why no one in the family came running to investigate the screaming ninny in the kitchen! After slamming the cupboard door on Mr. Mouse, I did the girlie thing of standing on a chair. I used this heightened awareness time to contemplate my next strategy. Would pepper spray leave lingering smells in the kitchen? Would pepper spray bring down a mouse? Would macing a mouse have lingering emotional effects on me? You may be wondering why I have pepper spray in my possession. But that's another story.

The clock was ticking and I was wishing the mouse would run up said clock and be struck Hickory Dickory into the next parallel universe. Unfortunately, I was the one who had to come down, leave a Danger Note for slumbering family members, and depart for work without my cookies.

Traumatized but functioning, I called home at a decent hour to get an up-date on the situation. Husband and Mother had both heard the screams but Husband thought I was sneezing and Mother was groggy so both just went back to sleep. Is that concern or what?

Perhaps Dad is smiling down at me, letting me know that he kept his promise and I've only seen one mouse in this house.

Leave an E Note for Sandra Seeley, Humor Writer, Author, Columnist, and Speaker

Does Anyone Else...?

By Kanela

Perhaps you're like me and wonder about things for years with no answers forthcoming. Well, today's column is finally going to address some of those thought provoking questions.

For example, does anyone else wonder why Albanians are always referred to as "Ethnic Albanians"? Not that there's been a lot of press coverage lately about Albania, but as I said, these thoughts float around in my head for years. Why not ethnic Spanish, ethnic Greeks, Ethnic Australians, etc.? If ethnic means common traits and customs of groups of people, we might want to start classifying ethnic infants or ethnic elderly or ethnic criminal. And does anyone out there in readerland know where Albania is located?

Moving forward, sometimes I look at the "best dressed" photos of people and wonder if this is the best dressed, what does the "worst dressed" look like? Or could this just be envy that I wasn't invited and couldn't fit into a Size 2 even if I were invited?

Speaking of clothing, one of the less expensive brands of clothing has finally eliminated those annoying labels that scratch your neck and require surgical precision to remove. I was so excited when I heard about this until I realized this company permanently stamps their brand name and YOUR size onto that same neck area. Yes, readers, your favorite columnist would not reveal her size or weight even if her life depended upon it. I hope anesthesiologists factor in lying when calculating correct drug dosage!

Does anyone else remember when truck drivers used to flash their lights to let you know after passing them it was safe to move back in front of them? What a friendly gesture that was. That was probably Rule #1 in the Highway Courtesy Handbook. Since I started driving, I've seen lots of gestures on the highways but none of them were in that Handbook. By the way, where is the original Handbook? If you've read The Da Vinci Code you'll discover that its final resting place is right alongside the Holy Grail. I don't want to give away the ending but if you’re searching for it, you may want to brush up on your French.

In conclusion, Farm Aid is another thing I've been wondering about. I don't grow corn and I haven't seen one penny of "Don't Grow Corn Money".

If any of you have questions wandering around in your head for years, feel free to share them with me. I, in turn, will get my ethnic Albanian researchers to discover the truth for you. As soon as we locate Albania, we'll get right back to you.

Feel Free to Email me with your Research Questions.
Research Writer and Author, Sandra Seeley.

Coloring With Famous People

By Kanela

"Dancing With the Stars", "Ice Skating With Celebrities", and "American Idol" inspired me to create my own reality TV show. I've decided to call it "Coloring With Famous People" for obvious reasons.

Coloring Pages

Here's how it works. Famous people from all over the world will send me samples of their coloring abilities. From these thousands of entries, I will choose the contestants. Entries have already begun flooding my mailbox. George W. Bush colored a picture of Geena Davis. However, I had to disqualify him because he missed the entry deadline. Plus, he colored outside the lines – a lot! He claimed no one told him about the deadline. Too bad, we'll just color you "sad", George! Perhaps you could be more curious next time and discover some facts on your own. Have a nice yellow banana on us!

OK. So here are some famous people on this year's show: Billy Joel, George Lucas, Bill Gates, Sir Elton John, Ellen DeGeneres, Martha Stewart, and Queen Elizabeth.

The theme for this week is the color "purple". Each contestant will receive 2 scores: one for technical difficulty and one for artistic merit. Each person will color their favorite purple object in any medium they choose. Crayons, markers, paint, chalk, colored pencils, etc. are all acceptable.

Advance word is that Elton will be coloring purple pajamas and Queen Elizabeth will be doing a stunning prune or pansy. Martha is doing sheets and pillowcases in shades of lilac for spring and Ellen is painting a purple potato chip. Bill Gates is dyeing toilet paper and calling it "Microsoft Purple" (the deep purple ultra soft version comes with virus protection and aloe. However, it is not expected to be out until after Christmas. Coloring book manufacturers are very disappointed in this setback.)

My early favorite is Billy Joel's "Purple State of Mind" colored inside an I Love (heart) New York bumper sticker. But, George Lucas could take all the veteran votes for his Purple Heart presentation to Luke picture. All the Ewoks have told me they plan on phoning and texting their votes after the show.

Paula, Randy, Simon and I will be the judges. Ryan (after the break) Seacrest will host/mediate the show. The guest colorist this week will be Jose Eber. It's been rumored he'll be coloring Taylor Hick's hair in graduated shades of purple, if only Taylor can remain motionless for the time required.

Auditions for the show have been held in cities around the world. The worst of the coloring challenged have already been eliminated. See them on Fox at 8:00 on Tuesday. For a verbal trailer of the auditions, read on. Tragically, Stevie Wonder discovered that he is color blind. Oprah had an unfair advantage with "The Color Purple". Andy Warhol is dead. George W. won't take "no" for an answer and appeals to the American public. He promised to promote purple on his Farewell Tour 2009, Have another yellow banana, George. Prince (formerly known as Prince) couldn’t finish painting his purple house in time for the show. And finally, Master P (for purple) was not visibly moving.

I'm already planning my second season show. I won't tell you who the famous people contestants will be. I will tell you that major surprises are pending, the color will be green, and for the first time, I feel so "Wicked"!

Stay tuned.
Email The Humor Columinst Writer Author Speaker

Beyond Bad Taste

Can You Hear Me Now?

by: Kanela

We are all quite aware of the usual annoying cell phone users: in cars, supermarkets, movies, and restaurants. What I have observed lately has reached a new low of inconsiderate behavior.

What phone call is more urgent than the call of nature? I'm talking about people calling me, a complete stranger just sitting in my work cube waiting for incoming calls, while at the same time forcing me to accompany them to the bathroom. Talk about multi-tasking! Does this give them some sort of perverted pleasure or are they just plain stupid? Listen up, people. Cell phones have microphones built into them so other people can hear you. And that includes bodily noises and flushing toilets. "Can you hear me now?" takes on a whole new meaning.

My imagination starts working overtime. Some people are wearing hands free headsets, but where is the phone? Others are holding the phone to their ear, but how is the other hand managing without its partner? And why don't I hear you washing your hands afterwards? Mother would not be pleased with you. Remind me not to borrow your phone. I am not pleased with you either!

And frequently, I also hear splish splashing in a bathtub. It's certainly difficult to stay focused on my job when my customer is naked. I presume he/she is using a speakerphone or is that echoing effect my temper reaching its boiling point? As my temper gets hotter the bath water must be getting cooler because now I hear more water being added to the tub. Are you paying attention to me? Perhaps taking notes on the information you are calling about or jotting down my return phone number? Where do you keep your pen and paper? Can you spell "electrocution"?

Thinking about these toads getting their hands on picture phones worries me greatly. Will I have to do my job blindfolded? I think not. Humor in the work force is a good thing. "Can you see me now?"

Email The Humor Columinst Author Speaker Writer

Who's Who?

by: Kanela

Today I am Kanela and will continue to be Kanela until I no longer have teenagers living with me. They would be mortified to be publicly associated with this column. So for now, I will remain anonymous. Unfortunately, that means no flattering pictures of me next to my by-line. Instead I have given my editor permission to use Dave Barry’s picture with long blonde hair added for a feminine look. Feel free to claim to be Kanela should the need arise. Someday, we’ll have a public unveiling and my alter ego will come forward.

I used to love Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert, but always confused them. I was saddened by Siskel’s death in 1999. My first thoughts were: What now? Will Ebert have to give movies a one thumb up or one thumb down? Use two hands? Do twice the work? My second thought was: Well, finally I’ll be able to distinguish between the two. Or did Ebert die?

Then there are Robert Dinero and Al Pacino. I have never seen these two fine actors together. Personally, I firmly believe they are the same person. They actually claim each other as dependents for tax purposes. Even the IRS is confused by them.

Two of my favorite folk singers will forever remain a mystery to me. Of course, I’m speaking silently of Simon and Garfunkle. Even after the split, I try to picture their individual physical characteristics, but would fail a matching quiz involving just these two.

Tommy and Dick Smothers are easier for me since Tommy was always my favorite. Only fair since Dick was his mother’s favorite. I recently saw this dynamic duo on a PBS special and am pleased to report that ageless Tommy still has that ornery gleam in his eyes.

And what’s with fettucine and linguine? I can’t even spell them let alone tell them apart. Must be that Italian thing again. See my debut article.

The old timers are especially difficult for me since they were before my time. Let’s see. It’s Abbot & Andy, Laurel & Costello, and Amos & Hardy. Right?

Here’s one for all you little people out there. Is Bert pointy headed and stupid or is it Ernie?

Only the other day, I had a chance encounter with Mary, as in Peter, Paul and Mary. She confided in me that after all these years, she’s totally clueless as to the identities of Peter and Paul.

In conclusion, I hope I have not made a huge mistake by allowing my name to be associated with Dave Barry’s picture. Years from now, when people see us together, will they be asking: Which on is Dave and which one is Kanela?

Email The Humor Columinst Speaker Writer Author