Saturday, July 15, 2006

Clipped Coupons

The Coupons Bandit

My coupons got clipped by some early morning vandals. First of all, I assumed all crooks were asleep by 6 am, which is the time I left my parked car to enter my work building. At 6:45 am, co-workers were asking me if I came to work with a smashed car window. Sure, glass in your butt is just the thing to stay awake during that early morning commute! Also saves you the trouble of rolling down your window when a cop stops you for speeding or you need to toss coins in the turnpike toll basket.

Total cost to replace the window: $212.42. Total time to remove shattered glass inside the car: roughly 3 weeks and counting. Stolen items: $5.00 in gold coins for the Mon-Fayette Expressway and one mauve colored, recently organized with no expired coupons, coupon wallet.

Items not stolen: hands free cell phone headset, car charger for cell phone, two umbrellas, full Kleenex box, hand made lap blanket, dog with bobbing head on dash, CD player and St. Christopher medal (I guess saints have to sleep too or only protect MOVING travelers.)

Items not left in the car in the first place: All my CD's. Yea!

I now leave my car unlocked with a sign inside stating, "This car is protected by video monitoring." I've been smiling every morning for the turnpike cameras and now find out that they're fake too. Just a ruse to get me to pay that toll. Hope the crooks didn't read that article.

But I am really mad about the fate of my coupons. Some hammer wielding thug is going to get 25 cents off a Weight Watcher meal, $1.00 off Centrum Silver vitamins, 55 cents off Tylenol, and a free meal at the Olive Garden. Unfortunately, he'll discover no coupons for "coke". While he's sitting around getting high with his fellow fugitives, he can plan his next shopping trip. I just hope he doesn't come looking for me in a month or two when all of his coupon expire. I no longer keep such valuable items in my car.

To claim your reward for information leading to the arrest and conviction of above felon, e-mail the author, writer, crusader, victim.

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