Saturday, April 29, 2006

When I Grow Up

Teacher WannabeRed Apple
When I grow up I want to be a teacher. Today is my 7th birthday and Mommy said as one of my presents she's going to sign me up for a pre-Act 48 class. This way I can get lots of practice staying up late doing homework as well as giving homework to my students and correcting it. I'm trying to decide which class to take. It's either going to be "Early Reading Intervention" or "Managing Antisocial Behavior. (Mine or the students? Hey, I get confused, I'm only 7.) Each class involves reading 4 inch binders then writing reflections on those topics into the wee hours of the next time zone west. My short term goal is that by my 12th birthday I'll have 180 pre-Act 48 credits in place.

Daddy is getting my support team finalized. His law firm will do my legal representation, my HMO doctor is already on active duty as head of my medical team, and I'm searching for just the right psychiatrist - discreet but not afraid to dispense helpy pills in my medz dispenser shaped like Darth Vadervelt. (Any similarities between existing superintendents or Star Wars Characters either living, never living, or dead is purely coincidental.) Daddy is also in negotiations to promote my idea of adult Pez/Medz Dispensers in the shape of the IRS, Dave Barry, Lamborghinis, Bose radios, red hats, Kahlua & Cream bottles, Acid Reflux bottles, and Tylenol extra strenth gel tabs. So don't steal my idea!

Ghost writers are hard at work preparing a comeback comment to that age old accusation that teachers only work 9 months out of the year. The leading CC (comeback comment) so far is "Liar, liar pants on fire!" (Hey, my ghost writer is only 10 years old!) I think a CC Contest would be fun so look for the details next week. Naturally, you will be scored on a rubric and all rules will meet the state standards for contests.

My favorite teacher, Miss Kanela, suggested that I begin investing in her 402L Plan. She personally spent over $1,000 last year on student good behavior bribery treats and school supplies. (This is the truth!) So with my birthday money, I'm opening my very own tax shielded 402L account.

Grandma signed me up for karate lessons. She, as a former teacher, told me they will prove invaluable for breaking up fist fights, thwarting thugs, and providing the mental discipline to run like a bunny when someone threatens to shoot me.

Grandpa signed me up for the Car of the Month Club. He, as a former police officer, told me a new car every month will prove invaluable for smashed windows, flat tires, damaged paint, and an empty spot where my car was once parked.

My friends surprised me with lots of energy drinks, caffeine in raw form, chocolate, and a bottom desk drawer for quick access and storage. They couldn't afford the desk, but at least I have a drawer.

My absolute favorite gift today was a Virtual Reality Classroom. It's way overcrowded with a culturally diverse group of students. One student looks suspiciously like the "Seed of Chucky" and acts quite bizarre. One big drawback is that people from the state keep popping in to monitor and decree. I heard rumors that for our next governor we may elect a King!

Job security has me a little paranoid though since I once left my Teddy Bear behind on a trip to Grandma's. During my untenured years, Mom is keeping a personnel file on me to help me accept negative comments. And Daddy made me read all 3,000 pages of the No Child Left Behind Act. My fluency rate has skyrocketed since Mommy marked all 3,000 pages in Phrase-cued text and Daddy constantly tests my comprehension with Questioning the Author Technique. (See Isabel Beck, nationally known educator and author from Pittsburgh) I think I'm the only person in the nation who understands all the nuances of this document.

Summer school is approaching quickly. (Clue: There may be a CC hidden in that thought.) I'm thinking I better get lots of rest now to prepare for my future 18 hour days and 13 month school years.

Mommy says it's time to cut my birthday cake. This year, I decided not to make a wish and blow out the candles. I'm afraid my wish to become a teacher will come true a little too soon.

E-mail your comments, subpoenas, CC's (Comeback Comments), to teacher wannabe, author, writer; or post them here.

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