Ididn'tarod

Mush, you Huskies!







I believe a winner has been declared for the 2012 Iditarod. Dallas Seavey (25), no relation to Sandra Seeley (39), mushed into Nome on 3-13-12.

Every year, I think about training for the next Iditarod, just because I like to say that word - it's funny! However, these are the top ten reasons why Ididn'tarod this year:

10. I don't live in Alaska. As Kanela, I actually live on-line inside your head. Also, it's just plain crazy to want to play outside approximately 2 degrees south of the Arctic Circle in bad, bad weather. A wind chill of -100 degrees F can also give you a bad hair day.

9. I refuse to wear a numbered bib that has to be visible at all times. I keep my bib hidden. It only comes out when I'm consuming soup or spaghetti sauce. Bibs are for babies, old people, and sissies like Dallas (Bib #34).

8. I'm addicted to fat free, sugar free, venti French Vanilla Cappuccinos. The Race follows the northern route for 1,112 miles in even numbered years and the southern route for 1,131 miles in odd years. You would think with over 2 thousand miles of trails, there would be at least one Starbucks. I find that odd!

7. It takes 9 to 15 days to finish The Race. I only have two personal days per year at work.

6. Moose, caribou and buffalo frighten me. They take me out of my comfort zone, because they can take me out!

5. I have ISF for the $3,000 US entry fee. I'm also leary of the $50 to $100 fine for tardiness at the rookie meeting or pre-race musher meeting. What if I'm delayed by a moose in need of anger management?

4. I need 15 additional dogs. Note to self: Go shopping!

3. It's quite time consuming to knit booties for 16 dogs. Let's see: 4 booties x 16 dogs = 64 booties. At present, I am certain my dog, Wolfgang, prefers blue booties. How do I determine if my yet to be purchased Huskies will want pink or blue paw protectors?

2. I was deeply involved with training for St. Patrick's Day. McDonald's Shamrock Shakes add weight to my Main Frame, not to mention adding weight to the sled.

1. And the number 1 reason Ididn'tarod was because Wolfgang refused to pee in a cup for the mandatory drug testing. He told me it's downright humiliating, and he has never inhaled an illegal substance in his life!

So looking ahead to March 2013, Wolfgang is getting advice from sissy Dallas' lead dogs, Guinness and Diesel. He's taking swing lessons (another term for lead or point dog). The only problem is, he can't decide on Lindy Hop, East Coast Swing, or West Coast Swing. But Wolfgang vows to teach Kanela (in dire need of remedial swing lessons) once he learns the moves. So until we meet again, Happy Southern Trails to you.

Please email entry fee contributions, booties of any size or color, and most importantly, comments of any size or color to musher@sandraseeley.com.

Gerald, the Ford

This is not my Funny Ford!





Did you ever think that your car would think? Four wheels and a metal chassis are making you and me obsolete. Cars now parallel park for us and are being developed to drive Miss Daisy and everyone else. They will not allow us to run red lights or cruise through stop signs. They are motion detectors in motion. On long trips, they even engage us in conversation or play games with us to pass the time.

I just purchased the budget model of the Funny Ford. It doesn't do any of the above magic tricks, but it does keep me laughing on my daily commute. For example, when "Jerry" is hungry, he babbles non-stop about what he could "go for". Yesterday, he wanted Sunoco. Last week, he felt like having Get Go. On diet days, he asks for regular unleaded gasoline. What he doesn't realize is that medical research has proven this gas to be addictive. Jerry is just going to crave more gas in a few days.

All that horse power under the hood and brain power in the driver's seat, has made Jerry a bit of a flirt. He followed a cute Mustang all the way to her garage repeatedly. She eventually had to get a restraining order against him.

You can just imagine how Jerry reacts when he spots AAA buildings, car washes, tire stores, and 10 minute oil changes. Let's just say he loves to shop.

Jerry is also a huge NASCAR fan. He once crashed a race literally and figuratively. He invited himself into the starting line-up and then proceeded to trip over his own wheels. Jerry, the Ford, has earned his reputation as Mr. Clumsy.

In conclusion, what do you think about thinking cars? Email your thoughts or your car's thoughts to Kanela@sandraseeley.com

PS
Today's rate is $3.85 per comment. You don't have to understand why you are paying so much for humor, you just need to recognize the demand for Kanela's humor fluctuates daily. Checks, money orders, credit cards, Lottery tickets, cash, and demands can all be emailed to my Swiss Bank Account. See my article: "From Piggy Bank to Swiss Bank". Viewing this article is not a requirement, I'm just thinking if demand increases, my rate per comment will also increase. Fill-up on Kanela today!

Winning by Losing

What do Jennifer Hudson, Charles Barkley, and Kanela have in common? If you guessed that we all play basketball for a living, you would be incorrect. If you guessed that we all count points, you would earn 26 to 29 Weight Watcher points depending on your flexibility.

I have unofficially appointed myself as the official WW spokesperson for women over 50. I consider this a non-scale related victory, so I'm also awarding myself a Bravo Star Sticker (BSS). FYI, I once received a BSS for not sulking when I didn't earn a BSS. Trust me, you could say anything and still get a BSS. For example:

Kanela: I had impure thoughts about an Almond Joy candy bar.

WW Leader: Bravo to you Kanela. Stick this star on your coconut brain and say 3 Hail Marys.

Kanela: The steering wheel in my car doesn't rub my stomach when driving anymore.

WW Leader: Bravo to you Kanela. Stick this star on your bucket and move it forward so your foot reaches the gas pedal.

However, I didn't earn a BSS that one week because I didn't open my mouth to say anything. I was actually afraid that points would fly in if I spoke!

So here's my Game Plan. For one month, I'm going to do everything WW has taught me. I'm going to track all of my healthy choices in foods, attend meetings, drink plenty of water, spritz Omega 3's on edible plants and then edible them, and savor one Centrum Silver for Women a day. I think it was Ben Franklin who said, "A vitamin a day keeps scurvy away." Believe me, I know from experience that scurvy is not attractive on women over 50. It itches! It also attracts sailors, who are neither officers nor gentlemen!

After one month, I'm going to report back to you with a scale-related victory. When I acquire enough scale-related victories, I'll reveal the face and body of Kanela to you.

Please email words of encouragement, BSS's, and offers of syndication to WW Kanela@sandraseeley.com

Each comment will earn you 1 BSS. Start your own collection today.

Goofy-ness

For my Prince Charming!

Traveling in Kanela's kingdom, one often encounters the good-natured, but not so bright anthropomorphic species known as humans. That statement is not redundant, it's funny!

For example, Bachelorette Ali was devastated by Frank's betrayal at the 11th hour. Didn't Ali do the exact sudden departure thing to bachelor Jake? And didn't Vienna morph into a sub-human species? Or was Jake too stupid to see early signs of not so brightness? Gawrsh! Reality TV shows are goofy. Kanela only watches them so she can write funny stuff.

Sign at our local YMCA: Dulcimer lessons coming soon. I don't mean to knock our Y or the Appalachian people, but when was the last time you said to yourself, "Golly, I wish I knew how to play the dulcimer"? But then again, our little valley doesn't even have a movie theater, so "stay tuned" for a later report on Dulcimer Lesson #1.

Irresponsible owners of decorative flags hold a special place in Kanela's Divine Comedy: an epic poem without much depth! Allegorically speaking, these self-indulgent flagsters should not be forcing St. Patrick's Day on the unsuspecting public on the day after Valentine's Day. February is a red month; green should not appear until March. And all the other holiday flags should, by royal decree, only appear in their holiday month. These Type A homeowners are committing the sin of premature celebration. As a form of poetic justice, I often leave a copy of Dante's Divine Comedy on their doorstep with an inscription that reveals the ending. They often tell me to go to Inferno! In my best Goofy imitation, I reply, "Ah-hyuck!"

In conclusion, some people see dead people and some people see shapes in the clouds. But my Prince Charming created a magical commute for me between our castle and work. He broke the spell of boredom with a kiss and a Goofy living sculpture using only his imagination. No matter the season, Goofy makes me smile every morning and afternoon. Life is good. And we lived happily ever after. The end.



Send a Goofy shout out, " Yaaaaaaa-hoo-hoo-hoo-hooey!" to Kanela, aka Snow White @ sandraseeley.com. Leave a goofy comment. Just so you know, Prince C. and I are practicing some hilarious spells for non-commenters.

PS
Goofy really is anthropomorphic.

Ghosts of Birthdays Past, Present, and Future

Happy Birthday to Me!

Friday the 13th, back in the day, Kanela came out laughing hysterically at some "inside"joke. Doctors were mildly amused.(only recently have they been in touch with their funny bones). Mom giggled groggily and Dad raised me up, Rafiki like, in his extended arms and presented me to the fluorescent lights. So from the day I arrived on this planet and stepped into the light bulbs, I was filled with funny fluorescence and just couldn't wait to be Kanela. Go Daddy! (Not to be confused with Go Daddy.com)

September 13th of 2009 was Bobblehead Kanela Day at PNC Park. The Pittsburgh Pirates were originally scheduled to play the Houston Astros at Minute Maid Park, but the game was moved to Pittsburgh in my honor. I motivationally spoke like a pirate to the crowd of one during the 7th inning stretch and preached my no worries, problem-free philosophy to the team and fan. They sang "Hakuna Matata" to me and in lieu of innumerable birthday cake candles, Paul Maholm blew out my bobblehead with a 100 mph fastball pitch to match the Pirates soon to be 100 games lost.

September 13, 2039 again falls on a Friday. I anticipate a Virgo-esque birthday celebration. This will entail howling at the moon and doing it compulsively perfectly. I am the quintessential Virgo: feminine, introverted, earthy, perfectionist. I get along well with myself! And ironically,the Sanskrit name of Virgo in Hindu astrology is Kanya (Kanela)!

So as the Circle of Life continues, I realize there is light at the end of the tunnel. If it doesn't happen to be shining in mine, I'll just enter another's tunnel!



If you didn't feel the love in this article enough to leave a comment, no worries. I'm going to make a note to self. Be sure to read my comments to Kanela @ sandraseeley.com.

PS
Happy 92nd birthday to Supermom!

By-the-way, I would like to publicly thank Charlie Brown for bringing the whole Peanuts Gang to my ballgame birthday celebration. Buy me and yourself some Peanuts! You're a good bobblehead, Charlie Brown!

From Piggy Bank to Swiss Bank

Pig in a Panic!

You may be wondering what it will take to turn the banking industry around. I don't claim to have all the answers, but my Piggy Bank has turned his back on me.

This drastic attitude was a long time coming. I believe it started when deposits were no longer filling his belly. Mellon and then Citizens swayed me to feed their voracious financial appetites instead. Month after month automatic deposits went into my checking account.

And just last month, I discovered the ease of online banking. With a click of the mouse, I was able to transfer funds from one of my accounts to another. If you would like me to prove this to you, just email me your checking account number and I'll do the math!

Here's my next dilemma: do I return to my lifelong friend, Mr. Pig or continue to safeguard my substantial assets from public scrutiny and heavy-handed taxation by looking toward the very attractive option of the Swiss Bank Consortium? Swiss bank accounts can be opened for as little as $350 to $550, plus a small initial deposit. Opening deposits of $200,000 are often the minimum.

What to do? Offshore or offline?

Pig Bank vs Swiss Bank
I'm "Kanela" to Mr. Pig. I'm only a number to Switzerland.
Less "banky" vs More "banky"
Cash on hand vs Can't hold the cash
Muddy, but fun vs Clean

The deal breaker came down to a motto. I had decided on Bank COOP - Switzerland. but then I realized their motto was: COOP. The clean Swiss bank. Cleanliness is not high on my list of banking requirements, so I am turning my personal economy around and embracing my Piggyness.

Please deposit your cash and comments @ sandraseeley.com. Kanela is very "interest"-ed.

P.S.
To my brother, Patrick: The dime I stole from you when I was 6 and you were 9 is still in Mr. Pig!

Menehunes

Are you a believer?

Menehunes are the Hawaiian equivalent of leprechauns. Both are diminutive creatures that exist for those who believe in them.

The most famous and tallest menehune was Time Magazines' 2001 Person of the Year. See if you can guess his name from the following description: he is a playful elf, pot-bellied, hairy (but not on his head), muscular, and sports bushy eyebrows over large eyes. He stands Democratically, Independently, or Republicanly (depending on the decade) about two feet tall. Due to his short stature, it was not necessary for him to kneel when QE II bestowed honorary knighthood on him in 2002. He hosted SNL in 1997 and made two cameo appearances. He enjoys cliff diving.
A. Mickey Rooney
B. Daniel Rooney
C. Sir Rudy Giuliani-Rooney
Hint: The answer is always C.

Menehunes allow only a privileged few to see them. A menehune must give you a special juice which will allow you to see him or her. I have seen menehunes on numerous occasions. What juice did they give me?
A. Orange Juice
B. Redbull Energy Juice
C. Blue Hawaii "Juice"
Hint: See above hint.

Wolfgang can sense the presence of menehunes at the door, although he is not juiced up enough to see them. Who is Wolfgang?
A. September 5, 2009 host of SNL
B. Your worst nightmare
C. Assistant to a star
Hint: No more hints!

And finally, the beast of the Pittsburgh Steelers, and my personal favorite player, carries a six inch live menehune as a good luck charm. This very strong Samoan safety ( or very Samoan strong, strong safety) has many off-field interests such as growing flowers, making furniture, playing the piano, and flying on seagulls with a mini-menehune in order to patrol for sharks. Where does Troy Polamalu keep "mini-hune" on game day?
A. In the Game Day Magazine
B. In Coach Tomlin's cap
C. In one of the SIX large round diamonds of his Super Bowl XLIII ring

I "pau" now. Aloha Oe.

Email any comments, tropical gifts, menehune sightings, menehune pranks, or menehune good deeds to Queen Liliuokalani-Kanela at sandraseeley.com or visit me at Iolani Palace, Hawaii.

Intruder Alert!

Sometimes bad things happen to funny people!

In 2005, we had a close encounter with a middle of the night intruder in our home. While I slept blissfully unaware of any shenanigans going on (shenanigans is a funny word, intruder is not), our mystery visitor was stealthily running through the house canvassing each room for take-out!

Only Mom and I were home. Mom noticed a shadowy figure running past her in the living room, up the stairs to my bedroom. Being just shy of her 88th birthday at the time, blind in 1 eye, hearing challenged in both ears, and recovering from a broken hip, her first thought was, "I can take him!"

Luckily for him, he high-tailed it back out the kitchen window when he saw Supergrandma shuffling towards him with the aid of her walker. Super G was later quoted as saying, "I would have grabbed a kitchen knife and stabbed him in his "high-tail" if only I could have gotten to him sooner." No one messes with Super G!

Two years later, Wolfgang, my fearless assistant and protector was quoted as saying, "You should have adopted me sooner."

Luckily for us, Mr. Mephostopheles only committed cat burglary and not mayhem on our persons. Crikey!

The local gendarmes dusted our kitchen table for fingerprints, but alas, found none. Not even ours. How strange or incompetent is that?

The only thing stolen was my purse. But my purse contained all my worldly belongings, so that was a huge "only".

Post-traumatic stress results:

• I'm now afraid of thingies in the night.
• I sleep with my purse and Wolfgang.
• We now leave post-its for an intruder such as, "Go away, I've already been burgled." or "Please return my missing unposted humor column article (the Pulitzer Prize winning one) that was in my purse!"

I'm offering a reward (as yet to be determined) for a tip leading to the arrest of this fugitive from justice. I'm also offering a reward for the best comment emailed to Kanela at sandraseeley.com. Hurry! This offer expires at midnight on the 12th of never. And you ask how much I love you!


Moral of this story: Don't keep your purse in the kitchen.

G-20 at My House

"Welcome to my world. Won't you come on in?"

Exactly one month from today, I am hosting the G-20 Pittsburgh Summit at my house. This is a logistics nightmare to the nth power. The Redd-Up Campaign to de-clutter is overwhelming. The Secret Service and Molly Maid house cleaning experts are tag teaming for bugs.

Meals will be informal even though 10 presidents, 7 prime ministers, 1 chancellor, 1 king, random European Union people, and a partridge in a pear tree will be dining at my tables. I've decided to seat the prime ministers in the kitchen, chancellor, king, random EU people and partridge in the dining room, and presidents in the living room. This decision was based solely on the fact that President Obama insisted on watching the Steeler game on the living room big screen. Originally the Steelers were scheduled to play at Chicago on Sunday, September 20th, but by presidential veto the game was pushed back to September 24th to accommodate the G-20 Steeler Nation. In fact, even as I write, Soldier's Field is being moved from Chicago to Kanela's back yard for pre-game festivities. Russian President Dmitry Medvedev toasted and cheered, "Za druzhbu myezhdu narodami! Go, Steelers!" (To friendship between nations! Go Steelers!)

My faithful assistant, Wolfgang Amadeus, is in charge of the menu. I do hope no one is allergic to Blue Buffalo Dog Food prepared in a crock pot. Australian Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, reacted to this news by mumbling down under his breath, "Crikey!" French President, Nicolas Sarkozy, just swallowed his words.

The kitchen contingent of guests consisting of Australia, Canada, India, Italy, Japan, Turkey and The United Kingdom will be seated at a round table served by Sir Wolfington. The Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, upon hearing this news shouted, "Bravo!" The Japanese PM, Taro Also, nodded politely.

Entertainment was going to be watching Denzel Washington on location in the Strip District of Pittsburgh filming "Unstoppable." However, due to irreconcilable financial differences, Denzel and Fox Entertainment are divorcing. G-20 added this global financial and economic crisis to their "Next Steps" agenda. Wolfgang offered to chase his tail as a backup amusement plan. Indian PM Manmohan Singh called Wolfgang a slum dog which hurt his feelings. In retaliation, Wolfgang is seating the Indian PM in the rotating "Troika" chair that is not going to stop rotating.

All this planning and preparation were definitely worth the effort. I recently was surprised to learn that the Nobel Peace Prize Academy selected me for the 2009 Diversity In The Home Category. I apparently have done the best work for fraternity between nations and for promoting peace congresses. South African President, Jacob Zuma, pounded his chest twice, gave the peace sign, and said, "Peace Out." I personally would like to thank Jacob and the Oslo Academy.

If you, dear readers, have any dining or decorating tips, comments or congratulations for Kanela please email them ASAP (I'm needy!) to sandraseeley.com.

Meet My Assistant, Wolfgang Amadeus

The Adventures of a Shaolin Monk Dog, Kwai Chang Canine

You may be wondering how I manage to write so profoundly week after week. The answer literally lies on the floor with my four-legged assistant. My faithful companion is my listening public, enforcer of play breaks, and nap mate. I also use him as a furry foot futon. I, in return, am his human popsicle. Actually, he'll lick anything in front of his face. This symbiotic relationship is a huge benefit to both of us. Wolfgang gets his daily salt intake requirement as recommended by the FDA, while I get daily doses of love and laughter, which I relay to all of you. Do you feel loved and laughed?

Wolfers is a black lab mix. He's mostly lab, but only DNA testing can identify the mix. He may be part rhinoceros!

My favorite daughter and I rescued him from"certain death" from the Washington County Humane Society which I want to emphasize is a no-kill shelter. The rescue part involved holding him in my arms so a mean little boy couldn't adopt him.

Sir Wolfington has now been with us a little over two years. He has trained us well with the lessons he learned in puppy school and just recently, middle school. We send him off every Saturday with his Dramamine, backpack, lunch box, notebook, pencils, and doggie treats. We can now fetch a ball when he doesn't feel like returning it, feed him treats when he shakes hands a zillion times a day without being asked, and open the door to check for phantom visitors when he barks their appearance.

Wolf is fearless except when the Meals-on-Wheels people arrive daily for Mom or Mom's priest stops in for a visit. He then goes into manic barking mode. Should I be worried about the integrity of either of these seemingly harmless volunteers? He's also afraid of "thingies"that lie in wait for him outside at night. Thingies like lightning bugs and shadows.

However, during the day, "Grasshopper" is a Kung Fu master. I once watched in amazement and disgust as he snatched a fly in mid-flight and swallowed in delight. And yet, when we toss a tennis ball for him, he stands there and lets it hit him on the head. Hence, ("hence" is a funny word) Wolfgang Amadeus became my humor column assistant. He wanders the American New East armed only with his skill in Kung Fu and humor.

In conclusion, I'll share one little secret with you. Since Wolfgang hasn't learned to read yet - he'll never know. We once ran out of treats for Sir Glutton. So we filled his treat jar with regular Blue Buffalo Dog Food. He will do anything for those "treats", when all he has to do is visit his food bowl!

The funny thing about Wolfgang is that he is funny!

If you have any word treats for Wolfgang, please email these kudos to Wolfgang Amadeus at sandraseeley.com. Kanela will also do anything for word treats!