Stupid Moments

YES, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but the biggest one of all might be revealing them to you. "Why tell Readerland?" you may ask. I may answer, "Because Readerland is there!" Here are a few of my more stellar stupid moments.

While vacationing in Lake Worth, Florida one summer day, I forgot to close my wide open car trunk at the beach. Seven hours later, I returned to the car only to find nothing was missing. My purse with hundreds of dollars in cash, credit cards of many hues and banks, and American Express Travelers Checks of many denominations did not leave the trunk without me. My 35mm Nikon camera also did not go missing. In my defense, I'm stupid!

I once asked a New York taxi cab driver how to pronounce his name. It was pronounced "John"! In my defense, I couldn't read his writing on his hand written business card and thought it was "Yasim".

I also gave Yasim the $2 tip money intended for the skycap at LaGuardia Airport and gave the skycap the $40 tip money intended for Yasim. Luckily for Yasim, I still had his business card and was able to call him back on his cell phone immediately. But not before snatching $40 back from an amazed skycap. I don't think Yasim wants to see me again. In my defense, it was a stressful day.

Once and only once did I delete all the faxes, not pertaining to me, from my customer sales and service cubicle computer at Verizon Wireless. I ignored all the "What happened to my fax?" shrieks bellowing from surrounding cubicles. In my defense, I did not know this would happen and just wanted to clear up the clutter. Also, I hate getting "Your mailbox is over its size limit" messages. If my former supervisor from VZW reads this, my co-worker, Yasim actually did this - not me.

Yes you can Email your Stupid Moment or Stupid Comment to Yasim E. Smith today.

Survey Slacker

Hyundai makes a classy Tiburon, but their marketing people are running on empty.

First of all, let me tell you I loathe taking surveys. Even though the South Korean delegation doesn't know this, they sent me a dollar ( well, it was really a "won" ) along with a customer satisfaction survey. I guess they were hoping to entice this customer to reveal her opinions about her latest automotive purchase.

I pocketed the dollar and tossed the survey, feeling only slightly guilty.

Two weeks later, another dollar (Euro) arrived with another survey. Now I was two won/Euros richer and formed some strong opinions about not answering the questions.

Two weeks later, I received my third "Don't Take This Survey" dollar (peso). This situation so reminds me of my "Don't Plant Corn" money! But, I have yet to receive a penny for not doing that! See my article, Does Anyone Else...?

Now I'm taking a survey. If anyone out there in Readerland can answer the next three questions, I will consolidate all of my unanswered surveys, put them in forbearance due to intellectual hardship, and answer them all exactly one year from today:

1. Who manufactures Hyundai?
A. South Korea, Kia, Mazda, GM, Spain, Ethnic Albania
B. All of the above, some of the above, none of the above, part of each one of the above
C. Menehunes in Hawaii

2. Give me one good reason why I should complete Hyundai's questionnaire if they keep paying me not to complete it.

3. How do I get out of completing online work-related surveys, when the IT Wizards know how to find me?

I've owned this Tiburon for 6 months, but did not realize until recently that in espanol "Tiburon" means shark! I'm driving a shark! Hola! Here's my opinion:
I don't like sharks! They are scary! Adios.

Email comments, questionnaire answers, or currency in any form to this survey slacker @ sandraseeley.com.

Six final thoughts:

• Don't throw away junk mail, it may contain Tibby (what we Tiburon drivers affectionately call our vehicles) dollars.

• XM Satellite Radio offers keep getting better if you don't subscribe immediately.

• 1 won = 0.000978 US dollars

• 1 Euro = 1.5401 US dollars

• 1 peso = 0.098049 US dollars

• When purchasing items in a foreign country, just say, "Here's all my money. Take what you need!" It's easier than doing the math.

Rx for Employment

Please Hire Me!

Summer employment for me is like "What I Want to Be When I Grow Up" every year. Last summer I wanted to be a waitress. More on that in a future article tentatively called "Back of the House". I won't reveal whose house it was, but their Smiley cookies, which originally were round and smiley, are now shape shifters. They can assume the form of fishy Smiley, shamrock Smiley, or flower power hippie Smiley. I personally predict there soon will be a celebrity Smiley, perhaps Ivanka Trumpy!

This summer, I'm going to be working as a receptionist for my PCP. The best part about this job is my doctor will pay me to come to the office! The worst part about this job is my doctor has SEEN me! This naked truth prohibits lying about my weight. Old lying habits are hard to break. I've even lied to my anesthesiologist about pounds per Kanela. I figured he would factor fibs into my weight equation. I also heard that operating rooms actually make you 10 pounds heavier! ("Fibs" is a funny word. "Fibs" is a not so funny word if it kills you!)

"Vital signs" takes on a whole new meaning. In addition to blood pressure, temperature, and heart rate, I can now add blushing to my numbers. (On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the reddest.)

Cultural diversity in the workplace will flourish in summer 2007. Dr. Employer is ethnic Indian and I am ethnic Carpatho-Rusyn. ( Formerly a small nomadic group of people who lived in the foothills of the Carpathian mountains.) Curry meets cabbage roll! No sick jokes about pigs-in-a-blanket or rolls of anything!

I envision lots of advantages to this situation, but there are two worrisome areas. I have always thought that ethnic Indian Americans had soothing, melodic voices. As opposed to ethnic American Indians (or ethnic American Native Americans) that speak in harsh guttural tones. No offense but when, back in the day, Apaches attacked Carpatho-Rusyns, I believe they war cried, "I will shoot an arrow into you - you blanketed peirogi pig!) Not very soothing!

My point is that soothing, melodic voices have a tendency to lull me to sleep. This is worrisome because I fear that napping on the job will be frowned upon.

My second fear is that I don't always understand what Dr. Employer is saying in his soothing accent. Since I don't want to appear to be a Carpatho-Rusyn idiot, I hesitate to ask him "What?" for the tenth time. As an example, I recently asked him if walking vigorously on a treadmill while fighting a sinus infection and cough, would be harmful. He either said, "Of course it will be harmful you Carpatho-Rusyn idiot" or "Go for it!"

Since I talk more about walking on my treadmill than actually walking on my treadmill, I have suffered no ill effects from not walking on my treadmill.

Summer employment starts in exactly T minus 2 months and counting. I will let you know how it all works out. In the meantime, I'm taking a crash course in the Hindi language and another course on Hypersomnolence which translated by us Westerners means excessive sleepiness caused by soothing, melodic Eastern languages.

Please take note that I'm already planning on summer work for 2008. I decided that next year I want to be an Indian chief or ethnic American Native American chief.

E-mail your comments and prescriptions to this writer, waitress, receptionist, and ethnic American Native American future chief. If you don't comment this time, it will make me sorrowfully sick, and I will be a "10" on the blush-o-meter!

Strangest, But Almost True!

I recently found out I'm not allergic to toxic chemicals. This means I can now drink pesticides without breaking out in a rash.

Comment overheard while shopping near the bathing suit department: "Boas are the perfect accessory to wear when swimming!"

My favorite radio station often has a contest where the 7th caller wins a great prize. I was the 8th caller and received 4 tickets to the Home & Garden Show at the Pittsburgh Convention Center. I also received 4 hard hats!

After many years of searching, I finally found the perfect green jersey to wear to work on St. Patrick's Day this year. Too bad the 17th was on a Saturday!

If you set your clock for 3AM, you will not wake up at 3PM.

Dealing with a sinus infection is not very humorous. Actually, it's very confusing. If my antibiotic causes diarrhea, and my codeine laced "happy" syrup causes constipation, will I be regular? Is it ok to take Immodium? Why do the nurses laugh at me when I ask these questions? It's probably just because I'm such a funny, but sick, humor columnist.

Please email your Get Wells/Condolences to this author, negotiator, crusader, and Royal Highness.

Stranger, But Almost True!

"Here's The Thing Two!"

I'm often called a Drama Queen by my favorite son of the East, my favorite son of the West (sometimes they're both a wee bit "Wicked"), and my favorite daughter who is often in a different time zone from East and West! What they fail to realize is that I'm telling the truth - almost. So I'll wear my crown proudly and be the ruler of all that I see. (Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss).

The Pittsburgh Penguins were threatening to leave Pittsburgh. I often do the same thing. Where is Governor Rendell when I need him? Where is Mayor Luke Skywalker? When I vote in the primaries, I always tell them I'm not on the dark side of the Force Party. They think I'm a cute, funny Jedi Warrior Woman. Let's meet at the bargaining table and negotiate my revenue from tickets, parking, concessions, and slots. I can be in Philadelphia/New Jersey by 4:00 pm with my people. Since I'm right up the street from the soon to be former Mellon Arena site, I've been given pre-approval to use the Weil ALA parking lot for overflow parking, bake sales, and "Take Your Father to Penguin Games" tailgating parties. All proceeds benefit me.

Things always seem to happen in nines to me. See Drama Queen comment above. You already know about my computer from "Strange, But Almost True", however, I left out the prior 6 disasters. My furnace is also breaking. The Heating & Cooling people assured me it's not going to explode, it's just going to die soon. If only I can put up with the loud piercing wail it makes every time it's on, until revenue starts pouring in from my Penguin deal.

Also, our second car died. Well, actually it was killed by a homicidal oil changer. We took it in for a normal oil change and came out with an abnormal frozen engine. Your typical hospital nightmare. This psycho not only sabotaged our car but also the truck before us. Needless to say, he's no longer employed with this company. Be warned though - you may want to check references before your next oil change. I'm not naming the particular business, because the owner has accepted full responsibility. However, their insurance company has a big attitude. If departed car is not given an engine transplant soon, I may have to reveal some details for the good of my public.

Be sure to visit me also at sandraseeley.blogspot.com and check out The Writings Between Two Columns and the Future Champions.

Strange, But Almost True!

"Here's The Thing!"

On March 7, 2007, along with Pittsburgh Public School District, Get Go had a 2 hour delay due to snow conditions. Just kidding, Get Go! You dispensed my fat free French Vanilla Cappucchino right on schedule. A caffeine high five to you.

Have you tried paying a bill by phone lately? It seems certain companies like Dick's Sporting Goods charges you a fee to take YOUR money. Not very sporting of you, Dick!

My computer died. I called Staples to see if their tech could revive it. The person on the phone told me they couldn't diagnose it if I couldn't power it on. But that's the problem! Ahhhhhhh!!! In defense of Staples, phone person was not the techie - just the dummy. Perhaps I'll get the "Dream Team" on Grey's Anatomy to work on it. After all, they revived Meredith and my computer wasn't even under water.

OK, here's a PSSA math question to see if you're smarter than the average 4th grader. At 5AM, on March 7th, I shoveled my driveway of all visible white stuff. It took me 1 hour and 1 extra shower. With hands clutching the steering wheel in a death grip and hyperventilating from fear, I drove 30 plus miles to work at 5 mph. If T = D/R, how long did it take me to realize that Pittsburgh Public School District closed their doors in my freezing face? If all teachers at Weil ALA are supposed to be at work by 7:35 AM even on a 2 hour delay, couldn't the "Roads" Scholars have decided before 8:15 AM that driving was dangerous? My next car is going to be a Zamboni, snowmobile, or dog sled. Hey, I remember Sgt Preston of the Yukon. "Mush, you huskies!"

Humor me: Invest in my 402L Plan (L is for laughter).

PS

Be sure to visit me also at sandraseeley.blogspot.com and check out The Writings Between Two Columns and the Future Champions.

yahoo.gone

Where's My Stuff?

So one day, after a 4 month layover at gmail.com, I decided to visit my old e-mail friends at yahoo.com. Imagine my shock and dismay to find all my contacts and messages had gone missing and my account was closed with nary (nary's a funny word) a warning shot, warning shout, or warning shimmy of this hostile takeover. No ransom demands! My stuff has been kidnapped and I want it back. I have an uneasy feeling that it's either somewhere over the rainbow or in Yahoo's Data Center in Antarctica. And why was it taken in the first place? Did Yahoo run out of storage space? Was Yahoo practicing Feng Shui? Was my clutter too much for them?

I've written to all my Amish friends who have promised to shun Yahoo for me. Also, the post office does not confiscate all my stuff if it's been 4 months between letters!

I've also contacted the leader of the next Penguin March at Antarctica.com. The Emperor has promised to mount a search and rescue operation for my stuff. He's assured me it will give his marching band something productive to do between life and death.

My menehune friends are rainbow hopping at a blazing 15 megabits per second, riding that big fiber optic wave in the sky in search of my cyber contacts. Hang ten guys! The little people have e-mailed me with some very creative uses for fiber optics and Yahoos! All I can say about that is, "Ouch!" Believe me, when menehunes are bad, they are very bad! You don't want to mess with a menehune. The little guys have promised to find my stuff or magically recreate it.

I'm busy at home making "Yahoo Stuff: Wanted Alive" posters for the Penguin Marchers. If you're free next week-end, please join us. You must have a valid passport and battery operated socks!

These campaigns are becoming relentless. I'm still marching against Roman Meal Bread, although I noticed their Honey Oat Bread is impossible to find around here. People must have tired of discovering junk in their bread. Now, I'm off to another continent to find my stuff. Next, I'm giving Pix Place People, online Verizon Wireless photo storage, their first notice of an imminent campaign.

It appears that my Pix Place Account with Verizon Wireless was cancelled due to inactivity on my part for 180 days. At least they gave me 6 months and 3 text message notices before going to vzwpix.com and wiping me out. The problem is when I take pictures with my camera phone or receive them, I don't know where they go. I don't remember creating a picture account in the first place and was too busy campaigning to stop in for a visit.

But if you see any of my photos with my Yahoo stuff, just remember that Antarctica makes me look 10 pounds heavier!

If you can think of any printable consequences for Yahoo involving fiber optic cable, move those marching, happy feet to your computer and e-mail this outraged future screenwriter at sandraseeley.com.

Clipped Coupons

The Coupons Bandit

My coupons got clipped by some early morning vandals. First of all, I assumed all crooks were asleep by 6 am, which is the time I left my parked car to enter my work building. At 6:45 am, co-workers were asking me if I came to work with a smashed car window. Sure, glass in your butt is just the thing to stay awake during that early morning commute! Also saves you the trouble of rolling down your window when a cop stops you for speeding or you need to toss coins in the turnpike toll basket.

Total cost to replace the window: $212.42. Total time to remove shattered glass inside the car: roughly 3 weeks and counting. Stolen items: $5.00 in gold coins for the Mon-Fayette Expressway and one mauve colored, recently organized with no expired coupons, coupon wallet.

Items not stolen: hands free cell phone headset, car charger for cell phone, two umbrellas, full Kleenex box, hand made lap blanket, dog with bobbing head on dash, CD player and St. Christopher medal (I guess saints have to sleep too or only protect MOVING travelers.)

Items not left in the car in the first place: All my CD's. Yea!

I now leave my car unlocked with a sign inside stating, "This car is protected by video monitoring." I've been smiling every morning for the turnpike cameras and now find out that they're fake too. Just a ruse to get me to pay that toll. Hope the crooks didn't read that article.

But I am really mad about the fate of my coupons. Some hammer wielding thug is going to get 25 cents off a Weight Watcher meal, $1.00 off Centrum Silver vitamins, 55 cents off Tylenol, and a free meal at the Olive Garden. Unfortunately, he'll discover no coupons for "coke". While he's sitting around getting high with his fellow fugitives, he can plan his next shopping trip. I just hope he doesn't come looking for me in a month or two when all of his coupon expire. I no longer keep such valuable items in my car.

To claim your reward for information leading to the arrest and conviction of above felon, e-mail the author, writer, crusader, victim.

When I Grow Up

Teacher Wannabe
When I grow up I want to be a teacher. Today is my 7th birthday and Mommy said as one of my presents she's going to sign me up for a pre-Act 48 class. This way I can get lots of practice staying up late doing homework as well as giving homework to my students and correcting it. I'm trying to decide which class to take. It's either going to be "Early Reading Intervention" or "Managing Antisocial Behavior. (Mine or the students? Hey, I get confused, I'm only 7.) Each class involves reading 4 inch binders then writing reflections on those topics into the wee hours of the next time zone west. My short term goal is that by my 12th birthday I'll have 180 pre-Act 48 credits in place.

Daddy is getting my support team finalized. His law firm will do my legal representation, my HMO doctor is already on active duty as head of my medical team, and I'm searching for just the right psychiatrist - discreet but not afraid to dispense helpy pills in my medz dispenser shaped like Darth Vadervelt. (Any similarities between existing superintendents or Star Wars Characters either living, never living, or dead is purely coincidental.) Daddy is also in negotiations to promote my idea of adult Pez/Medz Dispensers in the shape of the IRS, Dave Barry, Lamborghinis, Bose radios, red hats, Kahlua & Cream bottles, Acid Reflux bottles, and Tylenol extra strenth gel tabs. So don't steal my idea!

Ghost writers are hard at work preparing a comeback comment to that age old accusation that teachers only work 9 months out of the year. The leading CC (comeback comment) so far is "Liar, liar pants on fire!" (Hey, my ghost writer is only 10 years old!) I think a CC Contest would be fun so look for the details next week. Naturally, you will be scored on a rubric and all rules will meet the state standards for contests.

My favorite teacher, Miss Kanela, suggested that I begin investing in her 402L Plan. She personally spent over $1,000 last year on student good behavior bribery treats and school supplies. (This is the truth!) So with my birthday money, I'm opening my very own tax shielded 402L account.

Grandma signed me up for karate lessons. She, as a former teacher, told me they will prove invaluable for breaking up fist fights, thwarting thugs, and providing the mental discipline to run like a bunny when someone threatens to shoot me.

Grandpa signed me up for the Car of the Month Club. He, as a former police officer, told me a new car every month will prove invaluable for smashed windows, flat tires, damaged paint, and an empty spot where my car was once parked.

My friends surprised me with lots of energy drinks, caffeine in raw form, chocolate, and a bottom desk drawer for quick access and storage. They couldn't afford the desk, but at least I have a drawer.

My absolute favorite gift today was a Virtual Reality Classroom. It's way overcrowded with a culturally diverse group of students. One student looks suspiciously like the "Seed of Chucky" and acts quite bizarre. One big drawback is that people from the state keep popping in to monitor and decree. I heard rumors that for our next governor we may elect a King!

Job security has me a little paranoid though since I once left my Teddy Bear behind on a trip to Grandma's. During my untenured years, Mom is keeping a personnel file on me to help me accept negative comments. And Daddy made me read all 3,000 pages of the No Child Left Behind Act. My fluency rate has skyrocketed since Mommy marked all 3,000 pages in Phrase-cued text and Daddy constantly tests my comprehension with Questioning the Author Technique. (See Isabel Beck, nationally known educator and author from Pittsburgh) I think I'm the only person in the nation who understands all the nuances of this document.

Summer school is approaching quickly. (Clue: There may be a CC hidden in that thought.) I'm thinking I better get lots of rest now to prepare for my future 18 hour days and 13 month school years.

Mommy says it's time to cut my birthday cake. This year, I decided not to make a wish and blow out the candles. I'm afraid my wish to become a teacher will come true a little too soon.

E-mail your comments, subpoenas, CC's (Comeback Comments), to teacher wannabe, author, writer; or post them here.

No Word From the Romans

Article XV
By Kanela

Roman Meal, Schwebel Baking Company, and their insurance company, Gallagher Bassett Services, Inc. are unsure what to expect from The Consumer Crusade at this time. Actually, we don't know what we're doing yet either. But the word is spreading and the Crusaders are marching.

For your marching orders contact Sandra Seeley, author, writer, and crusader.