Ghosts of Birthdays Past, Present, and Future

Happy Birthday to Me!

Friday the 13th, back in the day, Kanela came out laughing hysterically at some "inside"joke. Doctors were mildly amused.(only recently have they been in touch with their funny bones). Mom giggled groggily and Dad raised me up, Rafiki like, in his extended arms and presented me to the fluorescent lights. So from the day I arrived on this planet and stepped into the light bulbs, I was filled with funny fluorescence and just couldn't wait to be Kanela. Go Daddy! (Not to be confused with Go Daddy.com)

September 13th of 2009 was Bobblehead Kanela Day at PNC Park. The Pittsburgh Pirates were originally scheduled to play the Houston Astros at Minute Maid Park, but the game was moved to Pittsburgh in my honor. I motivationally spoke like a pirate to the crowd of one during the 7th inning stretch and preached my no worries, problem-free philosophy to the team and fan. They sang "Hakuna Matata" to me and in lieu of innumerable birthday cake candles, Paul Maholm blew out my bobblehead with a 100 mph fastball pitch to match the Pirates soon to be 100 games lost.

September 13, 2039 again falls on a Friday. I anticipate a Virgo-esque birthday celebration. This will entail howling at the moon and doing it compulsively perfectly. I am the quintessential Virgo: feminine, introverted, earthy, perfectionist. I get along well with myself! And ironically,the Sanskrit name of Virgo in Hindu astrology is Kanya (Kanela)!

So as the Circle of Life continues, I realize there is light at the end of the tunnel. If it doesn't happen to be shining in mine, I'll just enter another's tunnel!



If you didn't feel the love in this article enough to leave a comment, no worries. I'm going to make a note to self. Be sure to read my comments to Kanela @ sandraseeley.com.

PS
Happy 92nd birthday to Supermom!

By-the-way, I would like to publicly thank Charlie Brown for bringing the whole Peanuts Gang to my ballgame birthday celebration. Buy me and yourself some Peanuts! You're a good bobblehead, Charlie Brown!

From Piggy Bank to Swiss Bank

Pig in a Panic!

You may be wondering what it will take to turn the banking industry around. I don't claim to have all the answers, but my Piggy Bank has turned his back on me.

This drastic attitude was a long time coming. I believe it started when deposits were no longer filling his belly. Mellon and then Citizens swayed me to feed their voracious financial appetites instead. Month after month automatic deposits went into my checking account.

And just last month, I discovered the ease of online banking. With a click of the mouse, I was able to transfer funds from one of my accounts to another. If you would like me to prove this to you, just email me your checking account number and I'll do the math!

Here's my next dilemma: do I return to my lifelong friend, Mr. Pig or continue to safeguard my substantial assets from public scrutiny and heavy-handed taxation by looking toward the very attractive option of the Swiss Bank Consortium? Swiss bank accounts can be opened for as little as $350 to $550, plus a small initial deposit. Opening deposits of $200,000 are often the minimum.

What to do? Offshore or offline?

Pig Bank vs Swiss Bank
I'm "Kanela" to Mr. Pig. I'm only a number to Switzerland.
Less "banky" vs More "banky"
Cash on hand vs Can't hold the cash
Muddy, but fun vs Clean

The deal breaker came down to a motto. I had decided on Bank COOP - Switzerland. but then I realized their motto was: COOP. The clean Swiss bank. Cleanliness is not high on my list of banking requirements, so I am turning my personal economy around and embracing my Piggyness.

Please deposit your cash and comments @ sandraseeley.com. Kanela is very "interest"-ed.

P.S.
To my brother, Patrick: The dime I stole from you when I was 6 and you were 9 is still in Mr. Pig!

Menehunes

Are you a believer?

Menehunes are the Hawaiian equivalent of leprechauns. Both are diminutive creatures that exist for those who believe in them.

The most famous and tallest menehune was Time Magazines' 2001 Person of the Year. See if you can guess his name from the following description: he is a playful elf, pot-bellied, hairy (but not on his head), muscular, and sports bushy eyebrows over large eyes. He stands Democratically, Independently, or Republicanly (depending on the decade) about two feet tall. Due to his short stature, it was not necessary for him to kneel when QE II bestowed honorary knighthood on him in 2002. He hosted SNL in 1997 and made two cameo appearances. He enjoys cliff diving.
A. Mickey Rooney
B. Daniel Rooney
C. Sir Rudy Giuliani-Rooney
Hint: The answer is always C.

Menehunes allow only a privileged few to see them. A menehune must give you a special juice which will allow you to see him or her. I have seen menehunes on numerous occasions. What juice did they give me?
A. Orange Juice
B. Redbull Energy Juice
C. Blue Hawaii "Juice"
Hint: See above hint.

Wolfgang can sense the presence of menehunes at the door, although he is not juiced up enough to see them. Who is Wolfgang?
A. September 5, 2009 host of SNL
B. Your worst nightmare
C. Assistant to a star
Hint: No more hints!

And finally, the beast of the Pittsburgh Steelers, and my personal favorite player, carries a six inch live menehune as a good luck charm. This very strong Samoan safety ( or very Samoan strong, strong safety) has many off-field interests such as growing flowers, making furniture, playing the piano, and flying on seagulls with a mini-menehune in order to patrol for sharks. Where does Troy Polamalu keep "mini-hune" on game day?
A. In the Game Day Magazine
B. In Coach Tomlin's cap
C. In one of the SIX large round diamonds of his Super Bowl XLIII ring

I "pau" now. Aloha Oe.

Email any comments, tropical gifts, menehune sightings, menehune pranks, or menehune good deeds to Queen Liliuokalani-Kanela at sandraseeley.com or visit me at Iolani Palace, Hawaii.

Intruder Alert!

Sometimes bad things happen to funny people!

In 2005, we had a close encounter with a middle of the night intruder in our home. While I slept blissfully unaware of any shenanigans going on (shenanigans is a funny word, intruder is not), our mystery visitor was stealthily running through the house canvassing each room for take-out!

Only Mom and I were home. Mom noticed a shadowy figure running past her in the living room, up the stairs to my bedroom. Being just shy of her 88th birthday at the time, blind in 1 eye, hearing challenged in both ears, and recovering from a broken hip, her first thought was, "I can take him!"

Luckily for him, he high-tailed it back out the kitchen window when he saw Supergrandma shuffling towards him with the aid of her walker. Super G was later quoted as saying, "I would have grabbed a kitchen knife and stabbed him in his "high-tail" if only I could have gotten to him sooner." No one messes with Super G!

Two years later, Wolfgang, my fearless assistant and protector was quoted as saying, "You should have adopted me sooner."

Luckily for us, Mr. Mephostopheles only committed cat burglary and not mayhem on our persons. Crikey!

The local gendarmes dusted our kitchen table for fingerprints, but alas, found none. Not even ours. How strange or incompetent is that?

The only thing stolen was my purse. But my purse contained all my worldly belongings, so that was a huge "only".

Post-traumatic stress results:

• I'm now afraid of thingies in the night.
• I sleep with my purse and Wolfgang.
• We now leave post-its for an intruder such as, "Go away, I've already been burgled." or "Please return my missing unposted humor column article (the Pulitzer Prize winning one) that was in my purse!"

I'm offering a reward (as yet to be determined) for a tip leading to the arrest of this fugitive from justice. I'm also offering a reward for the best comment emailed to Kanela at sandraseeley.com. Hurry! This offer expires at midnight on the 12th of never. And you ask how much I love you!


Moral of this story: Don't keep your purse in the kitchen.

G-20 at My House

"Welcome to my world. Won't you come on in?"

Exactly one month from today, I am hosting the G-20 Pittsburgh Summit at my house. This is a logistics nightmare to the nth power. The Redd-Up Campaign to de-clutter is overwhelming. The Secret Service and Molly Maid house cleaning experts are tag teaming for bugs.

Meals will be informal even though 10 presidents, 7 prime ministers, 1 chancellor, 1 king, random European Union people, and a partridge in a pear tree will be dining at my tables. I've decided to seat the prime ministers in the kitchen, chancellor, king, random EU people and partridge in the dining room, and presidents in the living room. This decision was based solely on the fact that President Obama insisted on watching the Steeler game on the living room big screen. Originally the Steelers were scheduled to play at Chicago on Sunday, September 20th, but by presidential veto the game was pushed back to September 24th to accommodate the G-20 Steeler Nation. In fact, even as I write, Soldier's Field is being moved from Chicago to Kanela's back yard for pre-game festivities. Russian President Dmitry Medvedev toasted and cheered, "Za druzhbu myezhdu narodami! Go, Steelers!" (To friendship between nations! Go Steelers!)

My faithful assistant, Wolfgang Amadeus, is in charge of the menu. I do hope no one is allergic to Blue Buffalo Dog Food prepared in a crock pot. Australian Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, reacted to this news by mumbling down under his breath, "Crikey!" French President, Nicolas Sarkozy, just swallowed his words.

The kitchen contingent of guests consisting of Australia, Canada, India, Italy, Japan, Turkey and The United Kingdom will be seated at a round table served by Sir Wolfington. The Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, upon hearing this news shouted, "Bravo!" The Japanese PM, Taro Also, nodded politely.

Entertainment was going to be watching Denzel Washington on location in the Strip District of Pittsburgh filming "Unstoppable." However, due to irreconcilable financial differences, Denzel and Fox Entertainment are divorcing. G-20 added this global financial and economic crisis to their "Next Steps" agenda. Wolfgang offered to chase his tail as a backup amusement plan. Indian PM Manmohan Singh called Wolfgang a slum dog which hurt his feelings. In retaliation, Wolfgang is seating the Indian PM in the rotating "Troika" chair that is not going to stop rotating.

All this planning and preparation were definitely worth the effort. I recently was surprised to learn that the Nobel Peace Prize Academy selected me for the 2009 Diversity In The Home Category. I apparently have done the best work for fraternity between nations and for promoting peace congresses. South African President, Jacob Zuma, pounded his chest twice, gave the peace sign, and said, "Peace Out." I personally would like to thank Jacob and the Oslo Academy.

If you, dear readers, have any dining or decorating tips, comments or congratulations for Kanela please email them ASAP (I'm needy!) to sandraseeley.com.

Meet My Assistant, Wolfgang Amadeus

The Adventures of a Shaolin Monk Dog, Kwai Chang Canine

You may be wondering how I manage to write so profoundly week after week. The answer literally lies on the floor with my four-legged assistant. My faithful companion is my listening public, enforcer of play breaks, and nap mate. I also use him as a furry foot futon. I, in return, am his human popsicle. Actually, he'll lick anything in front of his face. This symbiotic relationship is a huge benefit to both of us. Wolfgang gets his daily salt intake requirement as recommended by the FDA, while I get daily doses of love and laughter, which I relay to all of you. Do you feel loved and laughed?

Wolfers is a black lab mix. He's mostly lab, but only DNA testing can identify the mix. He may be part rhinoceros!

My favorite daughter and I rescued him from"certain death" from the Washington County Humane Society which I want to emphasize is a no-kill shelter. The rescue part involved holding him in my arms so a mean little boy couldn't adopt him.

Sir Wolfington has now been with us a little over two years. He has trained us well with the lessons he learned in puppy school and just recently, middle school. We send him off every Saturday with his Dramamine, backpack, lunch box, notebook, pencils, and doggie treats. We can now fetch a ball when he doesn't feel like returning it, feed him treats when he shakes hands a zillion times a day without being asked, and open the door to check for phantom visitors when he barks their appearance.

Wolf is fearless except when the Meals-on-Wheels people arrive daily for Mom or Mom's priest stops in for a visit. He then goes into manic barking mode. Should I be worried about the integrity of either of these seemingly harmless volunteers? He's also afraid of "thingies"that lie in wait for him outside at night. Thingies like lightning bugs and shadows.

However, during the day, "Grasshopper" is a Kung Fu master. I once watched in amazement and disgust as he snatched a fly in mid-flight and swallowed in delight. And yet, when we toss a tennis ball for him, he stands there and lets it hit him on the head. Hence, ("hence" is a funny word) Wolfgang Amadeus became my humor column assistant. He wanders the American New East armed only with his skill in Kung Fu and humor.

In conclusion, I'll share one little secret with you. Since Wolfgang hasn't learned to read yet - he'll never know. We once ran out of treats for Sir Glutton. So we filled his treat jar with regular Blue Buffalo Dog Food. He will do anything for those "treats", when all he has to do is visit his food bowl!

The funny thing about Wolfgang is that he is funny!

If you have any word treats for Wolfgang, please email these kudos to Wolfgang Amadeus at sandraseeley.com. Kanela will also do anything for word treats!

A Horse Named Guinness

Happy Trails

This one's for you, Jim West!

Once upon a "stout"-hearted, soulful-eyed quarterhorse at Rolling Hills Ranch, happy trails beckoned to a group of urban urchins of the 3rd and 4th grade variety and me. While I was enjoying the sound of creaking leather, the feel of raw horse power beneath me and fantasizing about the intrepid Wagon Train scout, Flint McCullough, and Irish warriors like George Clooney and Richard Gere, my summer school students were fascinated with the equine farts and dumps. It was like Pittsburgh Public meets an animal!

But getting back to my fantasies, once I did the arthritic two-step(used a 2 step stool to mount Guinness), my legs were young again. For one solid hour, I was able to climb over hills and dales with nary a stumble or pain in the knees. Guinness, bless her heart, was confused by the sudden appearance of dales, but she managed to navigate better on four feet than I could ever do on two. One little dale even followed me home!

I'm proud to say that I am committed to responsible riding and can legally enjoy Guinness even though my youthful appearance might fool you. I urge all of you novice equestrians to also ride responsibly. My 3 main suggestions are:
1. Let the horse with the most seniority drink at the water trough first.
2. Don't say "Yee Haw" or "Giddy Up" when a horse is attending to personal business.
3. Don't scream like a ninny if you become frightened by anything your horse or your body does. It will not calm him. Trust me.

In conclusion, I can honestly say that "Guinness was Good for Me" and the pint waiting at home wasn't bad either.

"Happy trails to you until we meet again."

If you have any additional responsible riding tips or comments, please Email Kanela Clooney. She can be reached at sandraseeley.com. Irresponsible riding tips can be Emailed to my evil twin, Kanela Clooney. We're identical!

Draughts, widgets and cheers!

Stupid Moments

YES, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but the biggest one of all might be revealing them to you. "Why tell Readerland?" you may ask. I may answer, "Because Readerland is there!" Here are a few of my more stellar stupid moments.

While vacationing in Lake Worth, Florida one summer day, I forgot to close my wide open car trunk at the beach. Seven hours later, I returned to the car only to find nothing was missing. My purse with hundreds of dollars in cash, credit cards of many hues and banks, and American Express Travelers Checks of many denominations did not leave the trunk without me. My 35mm Nikon camera also did not go missing. In my defense, I'm stupid!

I once asked a New York taxi cab driver how to pronounce his name. It was pronounced "John"! In my defense, I couldn't read his writing on his hand written business card and thought it was "Yasim".

I also gave Yasim the $2 tip money intended for the skycap at LaGuardia Airport and gave the skycap the $40 tip money intended for Yasim. Luckily for Yasim, I still had his business card and was able to call him back on his cell phone immediately. But not before snatching $40 back from an amazed skycap. I don't think Yasim wants to see me again. In my defense, it was a stressful day.

Once and only once did I delete all the faxes, not pertaining to me, from my customer sales and service cubicle computer at Verizon Wireless. I ignored all the "What happened to my fax?" shrieks bellowing from surrounding cubicles. In my defense, I did not know this would happen and just wanted to clear up the clutter. Also, I hate getting "Your mailbox is over its size limit" messages. If my former supervisor from VZW reads this, my co-worker, Yasim actually did this - not me.

Yes you can Email your Stupid Moment or Stupid Comment to Yasim E. Smith today.

Survey Slacker

Hyundai makes a classy Tiburon, but their marketing people are running on empty.

First of all, let me tell you I loathe taking surveys. Even though the South Korean delegation doesn't know this, they sent me a dollar ( well, it was really a "won" ) along with a customer satisfaction survey. I guess they were hoping to entice this customer to reveal her opinions about her latest automotive purchase.

I pocketed the dollar and tossed the survey, feeling only slightly guilty.

Two weeks later, another dollar (Euro) arrived with another survey. Now I was two won/Euros richer and formed some strong opinions about not answering the questions.

Two weeks later, I received my third "Don't Take This Survey" dollar (peso). This situation so reminds me of my "Don't Plant Corn" money! But, I have yet to receive a penny for not doing that! See my article, Does Anyone Else...?

Now I'm taking a survey. If anyone out there in Readerland can answer the next three questions, I will consolidate all of my unanswered surveys, put them in forbearance due to intellectual hardship, and answer them all exactly one year from today:

1. Who manufactures Hyundai?
A. South Korea, Kia, Mazda, GM, Spain, Ethnic Albania
B. All of the above, some of the above, none of the above, part of each one of the above
C. Menehunes in Hawaii

2. Give me one good reason why I should complete Hyundai's questionnaire if they keep paying me not to complete it.

3. How do I get out of completing online work-related surveys, when the IT Wizards know how to find me?

I've owned this Tiburon for 6 months, but did not realize until recently that in espanol "Tiburon" means shark! I'm driving a shark! Hola! Here's my opinion:
I don't like sharks! They are scary! Adios.

Email comments, questionnaire answers, or currency in any form to this survey slacker @ sandraseeley.com.

Six final thoughts:

• Don't throw away junk mail, it may contain Tibby (what we Tiburon drivers affectionately call our vehicles) dollars.

• XM Satellite Radio offers keep getting better if you don't subscribe immediately.

• 1 won = 0.000978 US dollars

• 1 Euro = 1.5401 US dollars

• 1 peso = 0.098049 US dollars

• When purchasing items in a foreign country, just say, "Here's all my money. Take what you need!" It's easier than doing the math.

Rx for Employment

Please Hire Me!

Summer employment for me is like "What I Want to Be When I Grow Up" every year. Last summer I wanted to be a waitress. More on that in a future article tentatively called "Back of the House". I won't reveal whose house it was, but their Smiley cookies, which originally were round and smiley, are now shape shifters. They can assume the form of fishy Smiley, shamrock Smiley, or flower power hippie Smiley. I personally predict there soon will be a celebrity Smiley, perhaps Ivanka Trumpy!

This summer, I'm going to be working as a receptionist for my PCP. The best part about this job is my doctor will pay me to come to the office! The worst part about this job is my doctor has SEEN me! This naked truth prohibits lying about my weight. Old lying habits are hard to break. I've even lied to my anesthesiologist about pounds per Kanela. I figured he would factor fibs into my weight equation. I also heard that operating rooms actually make you 10 pounds heavier! ("Fibs" is a funny word. "Fibs" is a not so funny word if it kills you!)

"Vital signs" takes on a whole new meaning. In addition to blood pressure, temperature, and heart rate, I can now add blushing to my numbers. (On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the reddest.)

Cultural diversity in the workplace will flourish in summer 2007. Dr. Employer is ethnic Indian and I am ethnic Carpatho-Rusyn. ( Formerly a small nomadic group of people who lived in the foothills of the Carpathian mountains.) Curry meets cabbage roll! No sick jokes about pigs-in-a-blanket or rolls of anything!

I envision lots of advantages to this situation, but there are two worrisome areas. I have always thought that ethnic Indian Americans had soothing, melodic voices. As opposed to ethnic American Indians (or ethnic American Native Americans) that speak in harsh guttural tones. No offense but when, back in the day, Apaches attacked Carpatho-Rusyns, I believe they war cried, "I will shoot an arrow into you - you blanketed peirogi pig!) Not very soothing!

My point is that soothing, melodic voices have a tendency to lull me to sleep. This is worrisome because I fear that napping on the job will be frowned upon.

My second fear is that I don't always understand what Dr. Employer is saying in his soothing accent. Since I don't want to appear to be a Carpatho-Rusyn idiot, I hesitate to ask him "What?" for the tenth time. As an example, I recently asked him if walking vigorously on a treadmill while fighting a sinus infection and cough, would be harmful. He either said, "Of course it will be harmful you Carpatho-Rusyn idiot" or "Go for it!"

Since I talk more about walking on my treadmill than actually walking on my treadmill, I have suffered no ill effects from not walking on my treadmill.

Summer employment starts in exactly T minus 2 months and counting. I will let you know how it all works out. In the meantime, I'm taking a crash course in the Hindi language and another course on Hypersomnolence which translated by us Westerners means excessive sleepiness caused by soothing, melodic Eastern languages.

Please take note that I'm already planning on summer work for 2008. I decided that next year I want to be an Indian chief or ethnic American Native American chief.

E-mail your comments and prescriptions to this writer, waitress, receptionist, and ethnic American Native American future chief. If you don't comment this time, it will make me sorrowfully sick, and I will be a "10" on the blush-o-meter!