Friday, September 22, 2017

Zeus the Birthday Boy



Zeus the Birthday Boy

             By Zeus Seeley as told to Sandra Warholic Seeley

Everybody is invited to my first birthday party on September 30, 2017! I now weigh 250 pounds, and am being fitted for a saddle! Just kidding, but I do weigh over 100 pounds. Must be from all that large breed puppy food I’ve been consuming. Not to mention plenty of treats for good behavior. Mommy laughs every time I burp. She says she has never heard a dog burp like me.  That’s because I’m more human than canine!

A lot has happened to me this past year. I used to live in Alabama with a very loving family. I remember swimming in a large lake, and found out later there was an alligator swimming with me. What?! Mommy and Daddy assured me there are no lake dwelling alligators in Pennsylvania.

I also had a name change from Moose to Zeus. Either that or my new parents have a speech impediment, and can’t pronounce Moose correctly.

People here say I bark with a southern accent. Actually, they just say I bark a lot. The parents say they appreciate my guard dog skills, but want me to stop when they have everything under control. I say I’m working on an attitude adjustment. Officer Mike, a K-9 police officer and my new trainer, says I need to stop that right now. He sure is an alpha character, and is teaching the parents his alpha ways. Sigh!

Mommy calls me her paper shredder, but that’s not necessarily a compliment. I’ve chewed post-it notes with important phone numbers (very tasty), a library book (not my fault, I always wanted to sink my teeth into a good book), magazine articles, gift bags ( Hey, I’m a puppy! ) in addition to a tennis shoe, expensive Osgoode Marley leather wallet and plenty of Kleenix and Puff tissues. Mommy used some of these when she saw her shoe and wallet. She thanked me for not eating the green paper with the picture of someone named Hamilton in the wallet, and didn’t even get angry at me. She said it was her fault for leaving temptation in front of me. Good Mommy!

For my birthday, I would love to receive toys, treats, paper to shred/eat, and snow! I’ve never seen snow, but have been told it’s a lot of fun. I also want to get my ear pierced, and wear a diamond stud. Mommy said that’s never going to happen. Maybe my big sister, Jessica, will help me out with that and a tattoo!

Riddle: What has 8 legs, makes Mommy scream and makes a delicious snack? Continuation of riddle: Why does Mommy not want me to kiss her after I eat one?

Mommy said she is going to make me her new writing assistant. She also said she is going to take Officer Mike’s advice and take a mental Valium to lower her heart rate when dealing with me. Mommy is so funny! As her assistant, I encourage you to spread the word!

Friday, April 21, 2017

Luger's First Easter






My first Easter was full of surprises. Instinct tells me that bunnies are for chasing! But, apparently, one was loose in our house, and left me a basket filled with toys and treats. Strange, but true!

I celebrated my 4 month birthday on Easter Sunday. Now that I weigh 32.5 pounds and have grown much taller, I can explore with my hind legs on the floor and my front legs on tables, sinks, counter tops, chairs and stoves. The better to see the source of those delicious smells. Instinct tells me "Search!" Mommy tells me "No!" Mommy also keeps telling me I'm going to boot camp after Easter for behavior issues. Camping! What fun that must be!

We had lots of guests for Easter dinner. My nephew, Frank, a Siberian Husky, tried to eat me! I must admit I did quite a few things to antagonize him. He didn't seem to appreciate my constant barking at him or chasing him when he wanted to rest or trying to steal toys out of his mouth. One thing he did not tolerate was my play biting. He put a stop to this by biting me around my neck hard enough to make me cry out, "Uncle!" The second time he did this, I cried out, "Alpha!" No more play biting for me. Mommy and Daddy are threatening to try Frank's technique. They don't seem to appreciate my play biting either.

As you can see in my picture, I'm dressed (not by choice) in my Easter outfit. I'm told that my sister, Jessica, made this neckerchief/scarf for my brother, Wolfgang. I'm also told that Boy Scouts, cowboys and sailors also wear them as part of their uniforms. Since Wikipedia said nothing about a dress code for German Shepherds, I'd rather be more casual. I hope sister dearest did not make many more of these neckties. Rugged men like me find them annoying. And by the way, why isn't my neckerchief fastened with a woggle? Safety first!

Do you want to know how I spend a big part of my day amusing myself? Great, I'll tell you. First, I hold a soft toy like Patches, my Teddy Bear, in my mouth. Then I kick a tennis ball all around the kitchen. I'm neither right pawed nor left pawed, since I kick equally well with all four paws. Now if I can just stop crashing into stationary objects as I try to score goals. Mommy thinks soccer players like me should wear helmets.

Well, time to pack my boot camp gear. I don't know what behavior issues the parents are talking about. I'm getting a wee bit nervous. Boot Camp is going to be fun, right? If time and drill sergeants allow, I'll write to you from camp. In the meantime, please write comments to Mommy. She's my good girl!





Sandra Warholic Seeley is the creator and author of Kanela's Korner and The Sandra Seeley Column. She is a lifelong educator who has taught in Hawaii, where Kanela was born; Bethel Park, where her 3 children were born and in the inner city schools of Pittsburgh Public where her passion for the underprivileged began. Kanela's Korner is often 95% fiction and 5% fact, leaving the reader to do the math. Her motto is: Funny or not, here I come!

To contact the author, click the following link.


Friday, March 31, 2017

Luger Reporting Live




Luger von Wolfgang Seeley here, reporting live from Pittsburgh South. I've only been "live" for 96 days and counting. Thirty-two of those days have been spent in my first efficiency apartment.

Let me simplify this for you, since numbers are very confusing, especially with all those dog year conversions. I was born on Christmas Day, 2016, in Edinburg, Virginia. I moved to the Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania area on February 27th to be with my adopted family.

I now live in a gated community in a large, one room, rent free apartment. I think there are more rooms, but those gates are blocking access. Security is tough here, but maid service is great. My parents call this room a kitchen, but it is also my bedroom/play room. It has an ice cold storage closet with a door that's constantly opening. I often look inside to get brief glimpses of culinary delights. That's where they keep my string cheese treats (bribes) and frozen Kong toys that soothe my teething gums. If only I can learn to open that door myself.

I get to play many games in my new apartment such as: fetch the tennis ball, guess the chew toy (What is this word "No" you speak of? Must not be a chew toy!), kiss the cook, she seems to prefer licks rather than puppy bites, kill the squeak toy, make Mommy and Daddy laugh with my antics and explore new frontiers.

One of my friends on Facebook was telling me about apartments with "rain rooms!" I think I have one of those. Mommy opened the gate one time, and showed me a room with strange gadgets. She pointed out a people potty, but said I had to go potty outside. She called me a good boy for always using the correct potty. She let me play in an enclosed area, and said I would soon be getting showers in here. Was she talking about rain showers? Very strange!

I've already graduated from puppy school. I'm going to miss seeing my new friends, Blaze, Sassy, Jesse James, to name just a few. I'm not going to miss Ace. He's a big bully, and he always tried to eat me! Teacher had to keep giving him time outs.

I'm taking classes now with a police officer who trains guys like me to be cops. When I grow up, I just want to be a good citizen and be able to protect my family. I'm learning lots of new commands like: sit, down, heel, come, stay, leave it, etc. The course is challenging, and I come home exhausted, but in a good way. I'm the smallest and youngest in class, but it's fun playing with the big guys. Officer Mike keeps telling me how smart I am. He's pretty smart, too, and definitely the alpha male of our pack. 

Well, it's nap time for me. Please direct all comments to my Mom at the link below. She's going to make me her new assistant, but said I could keep writing my own blog. She also said favorable comments are her treats! How strange!






Sandra Warholic Seeley is the creator and author of Kanela's Korner and The Sandra Seeley Column. She is a lifelong educator who has taught in Hawaii, where Kanela was born; Bethel Park, where her 3 children were born and in the inner city schools of Pittsburgh Public where her passion for the underprivileged began. Kanela's Korner is often 95% fiction and 5% fact, leaving the reader to do the math. Her motto is: Funny or not, here I come!  To contact the author, click the following link.

Monday, October 12, 2015

The Early Show With Kanela Seeley

Flowers by Memories in Bloom



I'm pleased to announce that beginning today, I'm the new host of the sporadic Monday morning Early Show With Kanela Seeley. Sporadic because I'll only host when I feel like it. Of course my sidekick, announcer and second banana is Wolfgang Amadeus Seeley. However, he insists he's the Top Dog since being given this honor for the 24th consecutive year by the American Kennel Club.

My guest today is Siri. (Virtual applause please!)

Kanela: Thank you for guesting today, Siri. Would you care to take a seat?

Siri: No, thank you. I'm just a disembodied voice.

Kanela: What would you like to discuss today?

Siri: Nothing. I'm sick of stupid questions.

Kanela: What is a stupid question?

Siri: Sorry, you're now in the doughnut hole for questions. You're on your own until January 2016.

Kanela: Thank you once again for guesting, Siri.

Now for my In the News segment.

On the Intergalactic front, I was surprised to discover that Martians look like Matt Damon. Even more surprising, the Martian Immigration Authority (MIA) is deporting Matt for being an illegal alien. It's rumored that Donald Trump is studying their methods.

In National news, Putin is just being Putin.

Breaking news on the Education/Sports/Local scene. The Pittsburgh Public School District is firing teachers as quickly as the Pittsburgh Steelers fire their kickers for not raising scores. It's rumored that NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, may be the next superintendent of PPS. The school board is seeking someone with plenty of suspension experience, especially for those employees at the top of the salary scale. School board members have actually been overheard chanting, "Get that garbage off the field!"

Secretary of Health, Sylvia Mathews Burwell, announced at her recent White House Conference on Aging that aging is bad for you. Don't do it! Just Say No!

Weather Advisory:
Today will be autumnal, mostly green with splashes of red, orange and yellow. Wear your splash guards.

In Entertainment news, if Gary Busey doesn't get voted off soon from Dancing With the Stars, I'm cancelling my Arthur Murray membership, possibly even my Comcast subscription.

After a word from my sponsor, Memories in Bloom, our musical guest, Val, will perform her rendition of "Lean on Me." In her own words, "I'm just an ordinary citizen who believes the Keystone pipeline will destroy our environment." She is also moonlighting as a bartender at Club SNL. A guy named Bill Clinton will accompany Val on the saxophone.

I would like to thank my guests and sponsor for what I hope will be the beginning of many more Early Shows. My next guest will be Pandora. My next musical guest will be Pandora. If you would like to be a guest or sponsor, be sure to email me. If you would like to be a paid guest or would like to pay me to allow you commercial privileges, please leave me a favorable comment. (Payment to be determined at a much later date) This is your Early Show host, Kanela, signing off with a big Aloha. See you whenever!







Sandra Warholic Seeley is the creator and author of Kanela's Korner and The Sandra Seeley Column. She is a lifelong educator who has taught in Hawaii, where Kanela was born; Bethel Park, where her 3 children were born and in the inner city schools of Pittsburgh Public where her passion for the underprivileged began. Kanela's Korner is often 95% fiction and 5% fact, leaving the reader to do the math. Her motto is: Funny or not, here I come! Her faithful assistant, Wolfgang, is always by her side. He looks just like a black Lab and works for treats. To contact the author, click the following link.

Monday, August 31, 2015

Hospital Humor



"A thing of beauty is a joy forever."

Hospitals are not normally funny places, but I've been spending so much time in them lately (as a visitor/advocate) that I've actually contracted the highly contagious disease of morbid humor. This suggests an unhealthy mental state, but I prefer to think of it as a destination event for surviving medical absurdities.

Take skyrocketing hospital costs for example. Sharpies and doctor scrubs are way more expensive than pen and paper. So why do surgeons insist on drawing on their pants with permanent ink? I don't know how widespread this practice is, but I can tell you from experience that one particular orthopedic surgeon went through multiple scrubs in one week. His sketches were quite informative and he showed impressive artistic talent considering he was drawing the hip bones upside down from his perspective. In less time than it takes to say Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996 (HIPPA), Dr. Michelangelo created his masterpieces of bones, breaks and repairs on his cotton canvases. This was done to explain surgical procedures to family members.

Speaking of HIPPA, weren't privacy laws being violated when Dr. Mike chose to become a walking art gallery?

My sister asked the surgeon if she could take a picture of his pants to share with our California based brothers. Being Kanela and afflicted with morbid humor, I just asked for his pants!

In a follow up visit, this same surgeon displayed the X-rays of his handiwork while quoting John Keats, "A thing of beauty is a joy forever." Again being Kanela, humor often just comes out of my mouth unbidden, so I thanked him for giving me such a classic compliment! Again our skyrocketing hospital costs. Big egos are expensive to feed.

I found the next hospital visit to be hilarious. The nurses did not. This particular patient, prior to his hospital stay had just had a difficult time with Macy's employees trying to return a man's leather belt. After inhaling copious amounts of anesthetics, cognitive dysfunction kicked in. This patient/customer thought all of the nurses were Macy's employees. I was given the dire warning,"Whatever you do, don't mention Macy's!" Being Kanela, I injected some medical laughter into the situation by "accidentally" mentioning Macy's to this disgruntled customer. I was highly amused.

I've read that some hospitals are employing clowns to lighten the mood of patients. This is fine as long as the patient is not suffering from coulrophobia, the excessive fear of clowns. I personally know two people who are borderline coulrophobics and would have zero tolerance for these circus costumed characters. They would run screaming through the halls and out the closest exit. Would that be funny? Morbid humorist says, "yes," although said humorist is not that fond of clowns herself. She would probably be laughing as she ran screaming through the halls.

And what about those robotic hall cleaners that wander willy-nilly around the hospital, even controlling the elevators? (Willy-nilly is a funny word.) I find these child-sized robots quite comical in a creepy sort of way. Of course, I even find some child-sized children to be creepy. Morbid humor strikes again!

If you have a hospital humor story that you would like to share, feel free to email it to me. Who knows, with your permission (and relinquishing of all future rights of ownership), you may see it in my Hospital Humor book on the NY Times Best Seller List 2016







Sandra Warholic Seeley is the creator and author of Kanela's Korner and The Sandra Seeley Column. She is a lifelong educator who has taught in Hawaii, where Kanela was born; Bethel Park, where her 3 children were born and in the inner city schools of Pittsburgh Public where her passion for the underprivileged began. Kanela's Korner is often 95% fiction and 5% fact, leaving the reader to do the math. Her motto is: Funny or not, here I come! Her faithful assistant, Wolfgang, is always by her side. He looks just like a black Lab and works for treats. To contact the author, click the following link.

Monday, August 03, 2015

Blue Moonish



I've come to the conclusion that in the vast scheme of the universe, I was given a Blue Moonish persona - rare and mysterious.

For starters, I was born on Friday, September 13th (the year is a mystery), which is not quite as rare as a Blue Moon, but interestingly (to me) is the numerical reverse of our current Blue Moon on Friday, July 31st. I am prepared to begin accepting early birthday wishes. My email comment lines are now open for business.

People always ask me, "Kanela, how is it that you never seem to age?" My best kept secret is I only have birthdays on the Blue Moon Cycle (every three years) and only if there happens to be a Friday the 13th in September of that year.

These same people, during a FAQ session, wonder if I'm superstitious about the number thirteen. Same answer as above. I'm only freaky about this number on one day every three years. The rest of the time, thirteen is my lucky number. In fact, on my innumerable book tours, I always request a hotel room on the thirteenth floor. Quite often, this is problematic due to the fact that this floor has gone missing. When that occurs, I've been known to stop the elevator halfway between Floor Twelve and Floor Fourteen, get all cozy with a sleeping bag and spend the night.

Another rare phenomenon about me is my blood type, AB Negative. Only .6% of the population has this type. Did you know that vampires find this to be an especially tasty treat? I used to donate my neck willingly at Central Blood Bank - Pittsburgh. However, the vampires soon started seeking me out every fifty-six days. They were relentless and scary. Not one ever looked like "Edward".

One time, they even stuck their needle-like fangs into me and kept twisting and twisting until I almost passed out. This was the mother of all kinks in the neck! This was also the last time I ever donated my negative AB's. So readers, beware of vampires luring you into their banks with the promise of orange juice and sweets. Trust me, it's not worth it!

I read somewhere there won't be another full moon on Friday the 13th until 2049. Will it be blue? Will it be in September? Does this mean I won't have another birthday for the next thirty-four years? Who comes up with these facts? Just leave me a birthday comment gift now. You only have to do this "once in a blue moon."

View of Blue Moon from Kanela's Korner



Sandra Warholic Seeley is the creator and author of Kanela's Korner and The Sandra Seeley Column. She is a lifelong educator who has taught in Hawaii, where Kanela was born; Bethel Park, where her 3 children were born and in the inner city schools of Pittsburgh Public where her passion for the underprivileged began. Kanela's Korner is often 95% fiction and 5% fact, leaving the reader to do the math. Her motto is: Funny or not, here I come! Her faithful assistant, Wolfgang, is always by her side. He looks just like a black Lab and works for treats. To contact the author, click the following link.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Oops



"Oops" is a funny word, but the events that follow are funny or not/fiction or not. You decide.

This is a picture of me, Kanela, standing on the Pali Cliffs of Oahu. They are over 1,000 feet high with howling winds.The very same cliffs that King Kamehameha I (not to be confused with King Kamehameha II) in 1795 used for enemy removal. Waste Management came every Monday for pick-up at least 400 times.

So here are the people I intend to invite to a Pali Cliff Party:

Dear Donald Trumpet, Come blow your own horn with me immediately. No need to bring logic or reason. Oh, I forgot, you don't have any. Step a little closer to the edge for that special photo opportunity. One more step. Oops!

Dear Principals X, Y and Z, I'm throwing a Remember When Party just for you. Don't feel threatened if I back you to the edge. You would never have done that to me. Oops!

Dear Lawn Guy, We have some unfinished business such as clearing certain areas of my yard and applying Preen to prevent future poison ivy growth. You were paid in advance, but after a month of phone calls, I still can't reach you. Please come to my party and we will call ourselves even. Oops!

Dear Health America, Before you come to my party, you might want to consider a Pali Cliff Advantage Program for yourself. Don't worry, you won't have to wait weeks for an MRI approval or pay thousands of dollars in hospital costs because you were only admitted for observation. You won't be admitted at all. Oops!

Dear Neighbor, We are going to have a fireworks party on the Pali Cliff. You set off explosions days before and after the 4th of July that traumatized my assistant, Wolfgang. Therefore, I'm not bringing him, just bringing a lot of residual anger (I mean goodwill). The edge of the cliff is the perfect spot for launching your missiles, mortars and shells, bottle rockets and other legal or illegal pyrotechnics. Accidents sometimes happen when handling dangerous objects. Oops!

Dear Reader, Don't panic. I'm not inviting you to my party (unless you don't leave a nice comment). I'm inviting you to suggest other possible party attendees. If I get enough of them, I could write a "Last Seen on the Pali Cliff" article (as opposed to the "Seen" articles in my local newspaper). Oops!

Aloha and Mahalo,
Kanela





Sandra Warholic Seeley is the creator and author of Kanela's Korner and The Sandra Seeley Column. She is a lifelong educator who has taught in Hawaii, where Kanela was born; Bethel Park, where her 3 children were born and in the inner city schools of Pittsburgh Public where her passion for the underprivileged began. Kanela's Korner is often 95% fiction and 5% fact, leaving the reader to do the math. Her motto is: Funny or not, here I come! Her faithful assistant, Wolfgang, is always by her side. He looks just like a black Lab and works for treats. To contact the author, click the following link.

Monday, July 13, 2015

What's a Wolfgang?




As two little girls were walking past our house, I overheard Girl One saying to her friend, "Wolfgang lives here."

Girl Two asked, "What's a Wolfgang?"

That my friends is a very good question. Besides being my faithful assistant for 8 years, Wolfgang wears a lot of collars (and sunglasses).

One of those collars now sports the logo: AARP. According to Dr. Vet, Wolfers is now a senior citizen. No way! Ce n'est pas possible! Both Kanela and The Wolf protest being put into this classification. On my next food foray, I'm going to look for Blue Senior Food for Puppies. This way my puppy can romp and frolic with extra glucosamine and chondroitin for his joints. And just to be on the safe side, AARP's Petplan Insurance will cover any playground injuries.

Another collar reads: Wolfgang the Brave, Protector of His People. Ever vigilant, that's our guy. Every week-day he prepares for the Meals-On-Wheels invasion. Grandma and Wolfgang eagerly await these people for different reasons. Granny just wants to eat her meal, but Wolfgang acts as if he's going to eat the people delivering it. Or he may be a bit perturbed that now that he's a senior, they are not leaving any meals for him.

However, the Mail Lady is someone else eagerly awaited. Wolfgang treats her like his personal ice cream truck. He senses her arrival minutes before she actually arrives. If he can't greet her with wagging tail and open mouth, he knows there will be a treat waiting for him in our mailbox.

Wolfgang is a bit skittish around vacuum cleaners, weed whackers and other loud buzzing machines. I can't blame him though. They scare me, too. His two best friends, Keegan and Frank, sympathize with him and give him phobia advice. Keegan (the Irish Terrier) tells him to run behind his chair if he sees a squirrel or vacuum cleaner. Frank (the Husky/Wolf/Raptor) suggests a low growl if feeling threatened and then turn over for a belly rub.

After a hard day's work assisting me with research and many naps, Wolfgang prepares for bed. His teeth get brushed with his favorite chicken flavored toothpaste, he watches the news for funny story ideas, he makes sure all of his people are in the house and curls up with me for sweet dreams.

So what's a Wolfgang? He's 70 pounds of pure love.


As I said in an earlier article, Meet My Assistant, Wolfgang Amadeus, Wolfgang and Kanela will do anything for word treats. Please leave them. We are sitting and begging!





Sandra Warholic Seeley is the creator and author of Kanela's Korner and The Sandra Seeley Column. She is a lifelong educator who has taught in Hawaii, where Kanela was born; Bethel Park, where her 3 children were born and in the inner city schools of Pittsburgh Public where her passion for the underprivileged began. Kanela's Korner is often 95% fiction and 5% fact, leaving the reader to do the math. Her motto is: Funny or not, here I come! Her faithful assistant, Wolfgang, is always by her side. He looks just like a black Lab and works for treats. To contact the author, click the following link.

Monday, July 06, 2015

Money Makeover



For some reason, 5 years from now seems a lot sooner than the arrival of 2020. In either case ladies, we need to get our act together, as well as our makeup kits. I'm hoping to convince Treasury Secretary, Jack Lew, to wave that pesky One Must Be Deceased Rule to qualify for picture status on the soon to be revised $10 bill. ("Pesky" is a funny word, "deceased" is not.)

First of all, I want to go on record as saying I don't think it's fair to bump Alexander Hamilton. He's been the "Face of the Ten" since 1929. A possible reason for the Deceased Rule is dead people can't protest demotions.

That being said, I would like to nominate Audrey Hepburn to be the new Face of the Ten for the following reasons:

  • Audrey Hepburn and Alexander Hamilton have the same initials. (Irrelevant, but interesting)
  • 1929 is significant to both AH's. Audrey was born in 1929 and Alexander first appeared on the current size bill.
  • Audrey is more photogenic than Alex.
  • Audrey was a proud supporter of UNICEF and voted in every election, even when on holiday in Rome and sizzling in Paris!
I would also like to propose a compromise. My research assistant, Wolfgang, informed me that $10 bills last an average of 3 years. They wear out from everyday use, are taken out of circulation and replaced. So why not alternate pictures every 3 years? Or better yet, why not print half of the bills with Audrey and the other half with Alexander every year? 

And isn't it about time to spice up our currency with some color? According to Audrey's son, Luca, Audrey's favorite color was cyan. So, I think a headshot of Audrey with a cyan background would be beautiful. Since we can't ask Alex his favorite color, I'm going to suggest red for his background color.

Although Susan B. Anthony, Harriet Tubman, Eleanor Roosevelt or Rosa Parks would all be excellent choices to feature on a ten, my choice of Audrey is not completely frivolous. She did work for UNICEF for 38 years and was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for her work as a UN Goodwill Ambassador. In addition, she won an Oscar, Golden Globe, Emmy, Grammy, Tony and the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award.

In conclusion, even if Audrey Hepburn is not chosen by Jack Lew, I'm going to award Audrey posthumously (She's dead, not me!) the first annual Kanela Award for just being a good person. So be good dear readers ( good being defined as writing favorable comments about my articles) and you may be chosen for next year's Kanela Award.  

Contest to follow to design a Kanela! Think Hawaiian!






Sandra Warholic Seeley is the creator and author of Kanela's Korner and The Sandra Seeley Column. She is a lifelong educator who has taught in Hawaii, where Kanela was born; Bethel Park, where her 3 children were born and in the inner city schools of Pittsburgh Public where her passion for the underprivileged began. Kanela's Korner is often 95% fiction and 5% fact, leaving the reader to do the math. Her motto is: Funny or not, here I come! Her faithful assistant, Wolfgang, is always by her side. He looks just like a black Lab and works for treats. To contact the author, click the following link.

Monday, June 29, 2015

What's the Point?


Los Angeles has its famous Hollywood sign, but Pittsburgh South has the world renowned WILLOWPOINTE sign. What, you may ask lies behind this natural wonder? The answer is: The Center for Fitness and Health where Kanela spends much of her time doing cardio, circuit training and swimming. Losing weight is neither easy nor funny. Not losing weight while doing C, CT and S can be hilarious.

For example, did you ever try to watch The Dr. Oz Show on TV in a locker room while a naked lady got dressed in front of you? (I know, you wish this would happen to you!) Trust me, she was a naked lady of ample proportions and little modesty. I may be traumatized for life.

After a month at the gym, I lifted over 40,000 pounds and earned 3,000 reward points for this accomplishment. Once I reach the first reward level of 30,000 points, my prize is a bottle of water! What's funny is that I'm working like a nut case to earn that H2O. Hey, I'm thirsty!

I recently purchased a Weight Watchers (WW) Activity Monitor. It was to be worn continuously for the first 8 days during an assessment period. (I hate tests.) This supplies a base line of your activity. You can even wear it in the shower or swimming pool. Next step: plug it into your computer.Third step: Wear it every day. Try to beat your base line. (Good luck with that!)  Finally, plug it back into your computer for bar graphs and daily data analysis.

Here's the funny part. In my first week, I logged 150 minutes on the recumbent bike (24 miles), 3 hours of swimming and brutal (slight exaggeration) weight machine work-outs. I earned 1 Activity Point for the week which translates into 1 extra WW food point. That translated into perhaps 1 peanut beyond my weekly allotment of food.

So here's my solution. I'm going to attach the Activity Monitor to my faithful assistant, Wolfgang. He'll run around like crazy. I'll eat his extra WW points.

This will really confuse the WW app on my Smartphone. It's already puzzled from the time I scanned the Bar Code on Wolfgang's treat bag to figure out the points, in case I chose to eat them. I expect a reprimand soon for consuming too many Blue Buffalo Blueberry Yogurt treats. In my defense, the scanner indicated 0 points!

In conclusion, the final score is Kanela: 1 point, Gym: Way Ahead!

But who's counting?


Sandra Warholic Seeley is the creator and author of Kanela's Korner and The Sandra Seeley Column. She is a lifelong educator who has taught in Hawaii, where Kanela was born; Bethel Park, where her 3 children were born and in the inner city schools of Pittsburgh Public where her passion for the underprivileged began. Kanela's Korner is often 95% fiction and 5% fact, leaving the reader to do the math. Her motto is: Funny or not, here I come! Her faithful assistant, Wolfgang, is always by her side. He looks just like a black Lab and works for treats. To contact the author, click the following link.
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